tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6834596026525717264.post1939948072417735915..comments2023-12-14T13:49:25.768-08:00Comments on This Gay Relationship: ChildrenRick Modienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02157314737543591048noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6834596026525717264.post-71398286832325531732011-08-09T17:02:50.489-07:002011-08-09T17:02:50.489-07:00Elevencats, it's great to hear from you again....Elevencats, it's great to hear from you again.<br /><br />I'm not sure you've noticed, but today's post titled "Be Open to the Possibility of Love" was inspired by our last two exchanges. Be sure to check it out. I hope it will resonate with you.<br /><br />I want to respond to a few other items from your comment above:<br /><br />Taking "steps to the unknown," as you put it, is called being human. That's what all of life is about. Whether we're talking about me retiring from my job four years ago into an uncertain future as a writer, or you becoming a parent, all of life is about searching and exploring and trying and failing and starting all over again. The day we cease to take steps to the unknown is the day we cease to exist on this earth. And, as you so appropriately write, we learn our greatest lessons from hardship. Yes, we do. Otherwise, we don't grow and experience our fullest potential. <br /><br />You've come a long, long way since we started corresponding to each other through this blog, but I worry about the terminology you use sometimes, and I think you are still far too hard on yourself. Of course your friends enjoy being with you. That's why they're your friends. And we all have, as you put it, millions of flaws, but we should never linger on them (although we can try to improve them if we want). In the end, we have more things going for us than we do against us. <br /><br />When I think of you, young man, here's what comes to mind. From your words and your thoughts and your feelings, I know you are a sweet and kind and thoughtful and considerate and compassion and loving human being. Unless you're hiding a horrible secret and you're really an ax murderer, I believe you have everything going for you. And, while I think you're coming to the realization this is the case, I think you still have a ways to go to truly believe it.<br /><br />So be careful about what you put out into the world. When you put yourself down in any way whatsoever--in your thoughts, in your words--that negative energy comes back to you and keeps you feeling the same way (again, I speak from personal experience). Stop saying negative things about yourself. You don't deserve it. I know for a fact you will make some lucky man a wonderful partner one day. Don't think it will never happen. Just leave yourself open to the possibility of love.<br /><br />I appreciate you calling my blog a little home. You know I'm here for you anytime you need it.Rick Modienhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02157314737543591048noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6834596026525717264.post-10328607035651045772011-08-09T09:08:32.081-07:002011-08-09T09:08:32.081-07:00With the risk sounding like a five year old, somet...With the risk sounding like a five year old, sometimes I am just so sick that I always have to be the one who takes steps to the unknown. It makes everything harder and more painful... Then again, hard times are what I learn most from. Being a gay parent is also dependent on two things. Firstly, the opportunities life gives us because it's biologically impossible for two man to have a child. Secondly, I need to be self-confident: to know that we would be perfect for our child, no-one else.<br /><br />I try to be more open every day. It takes time. For me, speaking is quite hard and unpleasant activity. I like thinking more. I can say that I have about three friends who are in my life because for some reason they enjoy being with me and they never take it too hard when I want to be on my own for a while. Maybe life happens... and I will find someone who is also interested in me despite my million flaws as a social human being. At least I like to think that it will happen to me too. Every night I go to sleep I say “I love you, my special someone, wherever you are.” I dream that he kisses me and hugs me. And then I fall asleep. <br /><br />I think being gay is mostly about learning to cross the barriers. It takes a lot effort and strength. And I am thankful for this little home here where I can find the support needed for that.elevencatsnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6834596026525717264.post-59556892916628198612011-08-08T16:43:58.160-07:002011-08-08T16:43:58.160-07:00@elevencats: As I reread your comment, I want to ...@elevencats: As I reread your comment, I want to respond to a few points.<br /><br />For gay people, I think whether or not to have a child is a decision not made lightly, because we have to go out of our way to have one. Biology is not on our side, so we have to look at the options open to us and follow through until we arrive at the desired result. Thus, if you find yourself going down that road, you have to believe it's because you really want a child, and you're meant to be a parent. <br /><br />Repeatedly, in past comments you left, you've spoken about how important being a father is to you. Don't let go of that. Believe me, plenty of people have had children who didn't have high paying jobs, lots of time, or the most secure futures. But they got by, and they created wonderful homes for children, not because of what they provided them but because of the love they had for them. <br /><br />In your comment, you said you don't let anyone close to you. I want you to promise me that you'll leave yourself open to the possibility of someone getting close. You've written about wanting to have a life partner, too, but that will never happen unless you make yourself physically and emotionally available. I believe you would do that if the opportunity arose. I can't imagine my life without Chris, and I want you to experience that kind of love at least once in your life, too.<br /><br />I can't presume to speak for how difficult it would be for you and a child you raised in Estonia, but times are changing. People all over the world, in the most unlikely places, are more open than you think about gay couples raising children. If it's important enough to you, you'll find a way to make it work.<br /><br />Finally, I was moved to tears when I read your kind words about being a second dad/mom for young gay people, and about the positive influence I've had on you. I could not ask for anything more. Thank you so much for letting me know. I hope I can continue to help you in the ways you might need it.<br /><br />@Sarah: Great parallel between the challenges interracial couples encountered decades ago with respect to having children, and similar challenges gay couples face today. Your point is well made.<br /><br />And thanks for sharing the "Time "article with me and my readers. I found the information interesting and enlightening. (I have to admit I'm not surprised by the results.)<br /><br />Thank you again, elevencats and Sarah, for your comments. I really appreciate them.Rick Modienhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02157314737543591048noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6834596026525717264.post-81871634132199533022011-08-07T22:20:52.992-07:002011-08-07T22:20:52.992-07:00For Donald: I'd imagine that a couple of gener...For Donald: I'd imagine that a couple of generations ago there were interracial couples who lived in conservative areas, and wondered if their children would be bullied or teased...which of course seems ridiculous now. Basically anyone who isn't a straight white man has had to be a pioneer at one time or another, right? If you want to have a child (and for those of us who do, it's just something you feel is so necessary, it doesn't seem like it's an optional thing), you absolutely should. You might also find the following article interesting (although it's about lesbian, not gay parents):<br /><br />"The authors found that children raised by lesbian mothers — whether the mother was partnered or single — scored very similarly to children raised by heterosexual parents on measures of development and social behavior. These findings were expected, the authors said; however, they were surprised to discover that children in lesbian homes scored higher than kids in straight families on some psychological measures of self-esteem and confidence, did better academically and were less likely to have behavioral problems, such as rule-breaking and aggression.<br /><br />http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1994480,00.html<br /><br />Good luck with whatever you decide!Sarahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07590889190847673743noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6834596026525717264.post-26410461599917692492011-08-07T16:59:22.661-07:002011-08-07T16:59:22.661-07:00Sometimes kids just happen. Similarly as a person ...Sometimes kids just happen. Similarly as a person sneezes. I “happened” that way and not for one second can I say that my mom hasn't known how to raise me.<br /><br />For me, having a kid is a dream-like wish. But do I really comprehend what having a kid means? I don't think so. Still there is something inside my that tells me I am not a whole person without being a father. I know I can be a great father with my patience, dedication and a capability to switch from a friend to a discipliner. <br />Despite that, there are many reasons why I think I will not be a parent: 1. My field of work is quite low-paid but time-demanding. I like what I do and what I study. Would I be willing to change what I do in order to afford raising a child? No, I wouldn't. 2. I don't let anyone too close to me. So there goes the possibility of a partner. And raising a child on my own... I would go crazy. 3. Knowing the atmosphere regarding gay issues in Estonia, I think that my home country is not ready for same-sex parenting. Yes, we can say that children are bullied for different reasons in schools, but I don't find it right to make this little person have harder life because he/she has two dads. Are there teachers who would take a kid from a family with two dads, are there doctors who would take care of my family, etc.<br /><br />At least for me the main question is as follows: what do I want more and what I am willing to sacrifice to get what I want. I agree, maybe I am also just not made to be a parent. I believe that every person can be important in their own way. Seeing my parents with their kids I can say without a shadow of a doubt that when you would have a kid there wouldn't be a blog of this kind. With what you have created here, you have been a second dad/mom for young gay people all over the world. I know I wouldn't be the person I am today without your guiding words.elevencatsnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6834596026525717264.post-3586385148371971002011-08-06T08:23:45.406-07:002011-08-06T08:23:45.406-07:00You raise some very good points, Donald. But here...You raise some very good points, Donald. But here's my thought on whether gay singles or couples should have a child or children, using one of the various options available today.<br /><br />If I were determined to have a child, like I now know you are and I know elevencats in Estonia is, nothing would stop me from having one, EXCEPT whether or not I thought I was the right person to parent it (that is, can I emotionally and financially support it, among other important things?). <br /><br />I do not believe for a moment your sexual orientation should have anything to do with your decision. I'm confident gay people can be just as good parents as straight people, maybe even better, because we have a tendency to be very sensitive to the needs of others, and because our love is just as deep or wide as any. <br /><br />So many gay people have a child or children now that I think it's becoming more commonplace. In the coming years, I don't think the world will blink when it finds out a gay person or couple has one or more children. It will become normal.<br /><br />While I've heard some children of gay parents have difficulties in school, that's the nature of schools. People are bullied for any number of inconsequential reasons. If it's not that they have gay parents, it would be something else. So, again, not an issue for me.<br /><br />Thanks for your interest in this post and for your contribution to the discussion. I appreciate it.Rick Modienhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02157314737543591048noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6834596026525717264.post-14752787266683099482011-08-06T06:55:16.720-07:002011-08-06T06:55:16.720-07:00Children! Children!! Children!!! The hardest part ...Children! Children!! Children!!! The hardest part of coming out to myself was the realization that I may never have children- it was a painful reality that took me a lot of time to mourn. Although technological advancement and various forms of parental arrangements have enabled desiring LGBT to become parents, it still a tricky deal. <br /><br />Sometimes I worry if the child/children will face untold discrimination and whether its a selfish thing to want a child as a single or partnered gay man. Its a lot to think about but I just know that life will be so incomplete for me without a child- but then I don't want to make an innocent child's life hell because of my orientation. Like you said Rick, lots of things to consider in making this decision.<br /><br />donaldAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com