Letter to Tina

Dear Tina,

I’ve decided to write you a letter.  Letters, I find, are more honest and personal, as well as easier to write (although, if you knew how much I've worked on trying to get this right, you might disagree).  As for my other readers, if you’re anything like me, the thought of being privy to someone else's private correspondence is both enticing and thrilling.  I hope you get something out of this, too.    

In your comment to the post titled “Monogamy on the Rise," you posed a couple of thought-provoking questions.  This is my attempt to answer those questions to the best of my ability, with a few sidetracks, starting with the second one first.

Why do some gay men cheat on their partners?  

Before I give you my point of view on this subject, I want you to know my answers don’t come from personal experience.  Chris and I have been together for over nineteen years, and neither one of us has cheated on the other.  And, even before I met Chris, when I was seeing someone--there were only a few for short periods--I never had sex with anyone else (the opportunity didn't happen, and I didn't want to).  That’s just the way I am.  For me, there's a direct relationship between cheating and self-respect.    

Since I can’t write from personal experience, my answers come from observations of other people who did cheat.  They come from conversations I had with some of them, trying to get to the bottom of what they did and why.  They come from thinking over the years about this issue and trying to understand what’s going on, and why sex is such a large part of being gay for some people.  And they come from my considerable reading on all matters related to being gay. Now, to your question.  

In general, I think long-term, committed, and monogamous relationships are difficult for some gay men.  In my opinion, there are a number of reasons why this is so:

1).  Gay men are men first, and gay second.  I’m not convinced all men, regardless of sexual orientation, are made for monogamy.  Are they hardwired to have sex?  Yes.  Is their sex drive intended to ensure the survival of the human species?  Yes.  Do they believe they should have sex with their partners only?  Not in all cases.  I think for many men, sex is a stronger impulse than monogamy.  As a man, I can’t account for the bad behavior of some men, nor do I make excuses for them.  Male sexuality is what it is.      

2).  When they enter relationships, a lot of gay men are what I call broken.  By broken, I mean, in part, consumed with self-loathing, because of the messages they received since they were children that homosexuality is wrong.  Over time, they came to believe those messages.  Thus, any homosexual behavior--even something as simple as meeting other men--feels innately wrong.  If they enter relationships, they often sabotage them--by cheating, for example--because I believe their partners are a constant reminder of what they know they shouldn’t be.      

3).  When broken gay men enter relationships, they bring with them a lot of baggage related to feeling insecure, worthless, and unlovable.  Again, these feelings are the result of societal messages related to homosexuality.  Gay men often have expectations of their partners that no one could ever fulfill.  They need to be validated, made to feel worthy, and convinced they’re lovable.  When their equally broken partners don’t have the skills to fulfill those needs, they cheat and look elsewhere (but, of course, the answers are within themselves, not with someone else). 

4).  Many gay men feel entitled to explore their sexuality with multiple partners, even though they’re supposedly in committed relationships.  Where this attitude originates is probably a combination of the nature of male sexuality (which I discussed previously); the need to counter crippling insecurity and self-loathing (that frankly no amount of sex with different partners could ever resolve); and the belief that monogamy is a heterosexual ideal that doesn’t, and shouldn’t, apply to gay men (which appears to be related to the expression and privilege of being an out, gay man).  

There you have it--my four-part answer to why I believe some gay men cheat.  I'm sure there are as many reasons as there are men, but these are the ones that come readily to mind and make the most sense to me.   

Now to your second question.

Do I think some people are against gays because some gay people aren’t monogamous in their relationships?

In a word, Absolutely.  But it’s not just about the inability of some gay men to remain monogamous.  It’s also about the tendency of some gay men to indulge in sex with a number of partners (sometimes, dozens or even hundreds), whether they’re single or supposedly in committed relationships.

I believe we live in a culture where cheating on a partner, whether secretly or in what’s called an “open” relationship--where the partners agree one or both can engage in sexual encounters outside of the relationship--is considered immoral.  I agree.  This practice, by the way, is not exclusive to gay people.      

In the past, I’ve written that homosexuality is not immoral.  Let me qualify that.  In my opinion, if you’re a gay man who’s faithful to his partner for the length your relationship, then I don’t believe homosexuality is immoral.  If, however, you’re a gay man who cheats on your partner, secretly or in an open relationship, then I believe homosexuality is immoral.

Further, in my opinion, if you’re a single gay man and engage in a modest and realistic number of sexual encounters, with the intention of finding the right man and settling down, then I don’t believe homosexuality is immoral.  If, however, you’re a single gay man and have sex with almost every man you meet, then I believe homosexuality is immoral.  

Let me hastily add an important point here.  I make no differentiation between straight people and gay people with respect to what I regard as immoral.  For example, whether you’re gay or straight, if you cheat on a partner, I consider your conduct immoral.  And, whether you’re gay or straight, if you have sex with an inordinate number of people, I consider your conduct immoral.  

Now, I believe non-monogamous and promiscuous behavior in gay men gets a lot of attention, particularly in various media.  In fact, as a result, gay men have become known for living what’s referred to as the “gay lifestyle.”  For that reason, the widespread belief exists that all men who are gay necessarily partake in the gay lifestyle.  Which, of course, is ludicrous.

As I mentioned above, Chris and I do not live the so-called gay lifestyle.  We know a number of other gay men in couples, none of whom (to our knowledge) cheat on their partners.  Yet, if you were to ask those who have an issue with gay people, they’d probably say it’s impossible for Chris and me, or any two men, to be monogamous...because we’re gay.      

That, in part, is why I write this blog:  to give readers a glimpse into a living, breathing relationship between two gay men, who love one another unconditionally, and who live a moral lifestyle consistent with the monogamous standards of most heterosexual people.  I may not convince all gay men to do the same, but I hope I convince those who are against us that not all gay men are alike.        

Once again, I want to thank you for your interest in my blog and in the subject of monogamy as it relates to gay men.  I also thank you for your comment that inspired me to write this letter in the hope of answering your questions.  If you have additional questions, or need clarification on any point, let me know.  I’m happy to keep this communication going until you understand gay men a little better.  

Yours sincerely,

Rick

Morality Terrorist

Sometimes, I get angry.  Sometimes, I get so fucking angry, I don't know what to do with myself. I need to yell and scream.  I need to hit something.  But the last thing I need to do--what I know I shouldn't do--is write a post on my blog (like now), because I've told myself to stay positive, to set a good example, to inspire gay men and lesbian women with my words.  And, while I'm spouting off, I doubt I do that--not in the way I want to.      

But today, I'm out of control.  Why am I out of control?  Because I read a short piece on Advocate.com that pissed me off, big time.  That's why.  Apparently, Oklahoma state Representative Sally Kern (this woman was elected?) equated gay people with terrorists.  That's right.  According to her, gay people are the same as terrorists.  Terrorists?  At a 2008 fundraiser, Kern is said to have gone on a homophobic rant, claiming "...homosexuality is just as detrimental to society as terrorism."

Me?  Rick Modien?  Fifty-one-years-old, partnered for nearly twenty years, living in the suburbs of Metro Vancouver, house organizer, home decorating freak, gardener, Disneyland fanatic, writer--a terrorist?  It would be hysterical if it wasn't so pathetic.  So ridiculous.  So ignorant. Where does Kern get this stuff?  How am I a terrorist?  How are any gay people terrorists, in the same way Islamic extremists are, just by loving people of the same gender?  How is that possible?  How?

Apparently, I am.  According to Wikipedia, here's what Ms. Kern had to say on the subject: Homosexuality '"...is the death knell of this country [the United States].  I honestly think it's the biggest threat our nation has, even more so than terrorism or Islam--which I think is a big threat, okay?  Cause what's happening now is they are going after, in schools, two-year olds...And this stuff is deadly, and it's spreading, and it will destroy our young people, it will destroy this nation."'

Can you imagine what Ms. Kern would think if she found out not only am I gay, but also I write a blog to try to build up and empower gay people?  To help gay people accept and love themselves?  To tell them they don't deserve the discrimination and bigotry levelled against them? They don't deserve to be treated differently from the rest of mainstream society?  They don't deserve to be denied their human rights?  And they don't deserve to hate themselves and live in fear because of people like Ms. Kern?            

Perhaps I'm a morality terrorist, then.  Yeah, that's what I am.   First, I'm a terrorist simply because I'm gay.  But, even worse, I'm a morality terrorist because, through my writing, I work to convince straight and gay people alike that, contrary to Ms. Kern's uninformed opinion (and unfortunate public platform), homosexuality isn't immoral after all.  I go completely against her religious beliefs, her moral code.  Why, if you think about it, I'm undermining the very moral structure of society.

Well, Ms. Kern, if that's what you think, then I gladly accept the title.  Call me a terrorist; hell, call me a morality terrorist.  Because, yes, I'm gay, and, yes, I will not stand for the way gay people are treated, not by you or your ilk.  Not any longer.  In my view, the only thing immoral is what you spew in a public forum about people you know nothing about, and how you demean and insult them with your ignorant and bigoted words.  Hate is immoral, Ms. Kern, not love.  Not love.  

Pure, Unapologetic Love

"I just found your blog and love the pure, unapologetic love!" 

In mid-July, I received the above comment from a new reader and friend in New York State, Donna Smaldone.  It was attached to a post titled 'New Pictures of "This Gay Relationship,"' but it expressed her overall appreciation for what she saw in my blog.  It took Donna's kind words for me to see something I hadn't before, that I suppose I'd even taken for granted.    

If Donna meant that I don't come across in my writing, or in pictures of Chris and me, that I'm ashamed of my relationship, of the love Chris and I have for each other, or feel I have to apologize for it, you're right.  For me, our love is normal, organic, and natural.  I've loved Chris for so long, I can't look at my feelings for him any differently from how Donna looks at her feelings for her husband, Skip.      

Because, in fact, there is no difference.  How could there be?  Just like Donna and Skip, Chris and I are two people who love each other with everything we have.  We are bonded emotionally. We're there for each other.  We trust and respect each other.  That's what all couples who are in love are supposed to do.  So why would Chris and I be any different, just because we're two men?  

What upsets me is gay people around the world wonder if they will ever fall in love; wonder if love is even a possibility for them, just because they're attracted to people of the same gender; wonder if the world they live in will recognize, honor, and respect the love they have for their partners; wonder if that same world will continue to make loving someone as difficult as it has for them.    

But even before all that, they wonder if loving someone of the same gender will mean having to forfeit the love of family and friends they have now.  Is it an either/or situation?  To have the love of one, must they sacrifice the love of the other?  Or is it possible, not only to believe you're loveable, but also to keep the love of family and friends, AND have the love of a life partner as well?

I'm here to tell you all of that is possible.  But, of course, the first step is accepting that you yourself are loveable--one of the greatest lessons we must learn as gay and lesbian people.  Once you recognize you're worthy of love--from yourself, from family and friends, and from a life partner--then you open your heart to the love that is out there for you, that is always available, that is your birthright.  

You've heard people say, if it can happen to me, it can happen to you?  Well, I believe that if I can accept my sexual orientation and learn that I'm loveable; if I can come out and keep the love of family and friends; if I can, despite all the challenges the world puts in our way, find a life partner, fall in love, and build a life with him, you can, too.  You are as entitled to love as I am. I'm no different from you.  

So, do I have a reason to apologize for the love Chris and I have for each other?  A reason to apologize because the human being I love and have shared almost the last two decades of my life with is another man?  No.  I don't think so.  I don't think so at all.  Not even close.  I have nothing to apologize for.  Nothing at all.        

Monogamy on the Rise

I have long believed that if gay people were not discriminated against, particularly for what is commonly called living the gay lifestyle (that is, indulging in promiscuous sex), monogamy would characterize the majority of gay relationships, as it does the majority of straight relationships.  The findings of a recent study bears this out.

According to an article that appeared in The Vancouver Sun on Thursday, September 8, 2011, monogamy is on the rise, in straight as well as gay relationships.  Below are several pertinent quotes from the article titled "Couples have become more monogamous over past 3 decades, data show."

Among gay men, the percentage who cheated on a partner they lived with dropped to 59 per cent from 83 per cent; for lesbians it declined to eight per cent from 28 per cent.

The authors [of the study that appeared in the September issue of the journal Family Process] "speculate that awareness of HIV/AIDS and other STDs has led couples to be more cautious and more conservative about sex outside their relationships over the last 25 years."
But [Robert-Jay] Green [a psychology professor at Alliant International University in San Francisco] says it's also a result of greater acceptance of same-sex relationships.

Emily Hecht-McGowan of the non-profit Family Equality Council, which works toward equality for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender families, agrees.  "I think same-sex couples are more comfortable living openly in their communities and building families," she said.

(All quotes are from page B4 of the above-mentioned article in The Vancouver Sun.)

*

For the record, as a gay man, I'm ashamed of the statistic that as many as 59 percent of gay men as of the year 2000 were not monogamous in their same-sex relationships.  This figure does not include Chris and me, who are one hundred percent faithful to each other, or some of the other long-term gay and lesbian couples we know.

The figure also tells me there's still work to be done, on the part of society, to continue supporting same-sex relationships, and on the part of gay men, to eschew promiscuity in favor of monogamy.  Still, the drop from 83 to 59 percent is a 24 percent improvement, and the trend is definitely going in the right direction.

A Response to a Comment Received from Tina

Of the posts I write, the ones that please me the most are usually those inspired by comments and emails I receive from readers, who encourage me with their words and sentiments to dig deeper into what it means to be gay.  The result, I hope, is to help gay people understand themselves better--that is, to gain insight into why they behave as they do, and to decide if changes are in order to live more fulfilling lives--and to help straight people understand gay people better, as well.   

Nothing satisfies me more than when I hear from a reader, as I did a few days ago, who writes that, as a result of reading my blog, she is more aware of what gay people are up against.  That reader, in this case, was Tina, who wrote a thoughtful and heartfelt comment in response to the post titled “A Tragic Anniversary,” which I published on Thursday, September 1.  Below, you'll find my second and more detailed response to Tina's comment.    

But, first, I want to share with you what Tina had to say:    

Reading your blog has really opened my eyes about gay people and their relationships.  I just turned 18 this year and I am a straight girl.  I have always wondered why people around me seem to be against gay society, they always say gay people are this and that, well, shortly, nothing good.  But since [I was] young when my family found out my uncle is gay and he left home, I have determined to believe gay people are the same as others.  Why was I forbidden to contact my uncle?  The man who took me out to play when others were too busy to notice me. Even now I still don't know where he is.

When I entered high school two years ago, I thought youngsters now-a-days would be more open-minded, guess I was wrong.  Some of my friends hate gay people, just because their parents think gay people are sick.  I want my friends to think like me, be open minded, but it seems so hard.  Why are some people so hard-headed?  Even though I think they are wrong, and want them to be open-minded, is it OK for me to try?  Or would it be wrong?  I mean, people are free to believe in whatever they want, right?  So should I just let them be, let them believe in what they want to?

1.

Tina, I can't say for sure why some of the people around you seem to be against gay and lesbian people, but, based on my experience over the years, I’m willing to bet it has something to do with organized religion.  

In short, if it wasn’t for organized religion, and some people’s literal readings of specific Bible passages (which are imperfect, because they were written by human beings for a time different from ours, and because they may not necessarily be God’s word), the commonly-held belief that gay people are immoral wouldn’t exist.  As a result, I believe gay people wouldn’t be discriminated against as they are, and they’d live their lives in much the same way everyone does.  

In your comment, you write that some of your friends hate gay people because their parents think gay people are sick.  My guess is that some of your friends’s parents hate gay people because of their religious beliefs.  As is generally the case, parents pass on their religious beliefs to their children, resulting in the current generation thinking and feeling the same as the one before, whether these thoughts and feelings are right or wrong, fair or unfair, valid or invalid--or even make sense, for that matter.  

Some people’s religious beliefs prevent them from learning for themselves, so they can make rational, intelligent, and logical decisions about what to think and how to behave.  As a result, they shut themselves off from learning about people who are different from them--people like gays and lesbians, for example--and how similar we are as opposed to how different.  Instead of being guided by compassion and love, they are ruled by fear and ignorance.        

2. 

When I read what you wrote about your gay uncle, I was moved by how painful that experience must have been for you.  Your words, “Why was I forbidden to contact my uncle?  The man who took me out to play when others were too busy to notice me,” say it all.      

I don't know from what you wrote whether your uncle left home as a matter of course, or because he was forced to, after his family learned he was gay.  But because of what you wrote, I suspect your family didn't accept his sexual orientation and gave him no choice but to leave.      

Imagine how difficult it must have been for him to be kicked out of the only home he'd ever known, and out of the lives of the people he loved and who he thought loved him.  Over the years, I've heard of this happening many times, and I believe it's further proof of just how fearful and ignorant some people become over what they don't understand.  To turn on a loved and cherished family member simply because of his sexual orientation makes no sense to me and is beyond my comprehension.      

My heart goes out to both you and your uncle.  It sounds like you were close at some point. Because of how your family reacted toward him and the truth of who he is, you were denied his love all these years, as he was denied yours.  There really is only one reason why we are all here--to love and to be loved in return.  But so many things get in the way of that sometimes, including people who make irrational judgements against other people for no good reason.       

I'm certain someone in your family knows where your uncle is.  Now that you're older--and if you'd like to get in touch with him to find out how he's doing and to show your love for and support of him--you should ask the most logical family members where your uncle is.  You have the right to know.  You have the right to make up your own mind whether or not you want to be a part of his life.  I’m certain he’d appreciate you finding him and rekindling your relationship.  

3.  

You write that you believe gay people are the same as everyone, and on that point you are correct.  Gay people are exactly the same as everyone.  We suffer the same, we bleed the same, and we love the same.  The only difference is those we love are people of the same gender.  Otherwise, there is no difference.  None.  

4.  

I have for many years believed young people today are more open-minded and accepting of gays and lesbians than they were, for example, in the 1970s and '80s, when I came of age.  And despite everything I see from time to time--even the rash of teenage suicides a year ago that occurred because of excessive bullying--I still believe that.  So I tell you, don’t be discouraged that some of your friends are not more like you.  

In many areas of the world, to be gay in 2011 is easier than it's ever been, but I don’t want to paint a completely rosy picture.  In some countries, homosexuality is still a crime, where gay people can be incarcerated, sentenced to ten years of hard labor, or even put to death--all because they love someone of the same gender.  Seems crazy, doesn’t it?  

So we still have a ways to go to make being gay better and easier for everyone around the world.  One day, I'm confident we’ll get there.  Whether it happens in my lifetime or yours is another question.     

5.

In your comment, you ask if it’s all right to try to convince some of your hard-headed friends--despite their right to believe whatever they want to--to be more open-minded about gay and lesbian people.  My answer is a resounding YES!  Of course it’s all right.  In fact, I encourage it. 

Without realizing it, you’re already an example to them, simply by being you, by holding the opinions and beliefs you have, by being open-minded when it comes to people who are different from you.  Whenever you have the chance, speak up.  Let your friends know how you feel.  Plant a seed in their minds to get them thinking what they believe might just be wrong, what they learned from their parents should be questioned.      

Can you force people to believe what you do?  Of course not.  The only person you can ever change is you.  But you can be an instrument of change simply by speaking up, by being true to who you are, and by remaining stedfast, despite whatever pressure you come under, how difficult other people might be.     

Part of growing up and taking responsibility for yourself as a human being is to stand up for what you believe in, for what you know is right, for what you see as injustice.  Just because someone believes something about a minority of people--for example, that all gay people are sick--doesn't mean they’re right.  It only means their thinking hasn't been broadened, their hearts haven't been opened.

*

In closing, I just want to say thank you so much, Tina, for sharing your words with my readers, for inspiring me to write this post, and for being the young lady of character and integrity that you already are--at the young age of eighteen.  

What an example you set for all people, young and old.  You should be proud of your conviction that gay people are the same as everyone else.

As I wrote in a previous post titled “Our Straight Friends and Allies,” gay and lesbian people will only get where they should be as equal human beings with the support of people like you, fighting along side them for what's just and right.        

Thanks again for being you.       

Where is Religion When We Need It?

A few months ago, I received an email from a reader.  He wrote he was having considerable difficulty accepting himself as a gay person and was thinking of turning to his church for the support he needed.  At the time, I felt deeply concerned for him and his potential course of action--what he wrote staying with me for weeks afterward.  Who knows how many other gay and lesbian people might have the same idea, but I couldn't help but think this young man would find himself even worse off in the end.    

For millions of us, it's natural to think about turning to our church during a time of need.  After all, as we were brought up in one religion or another, we learned the church is there when we face life's gravest challenges--from marital difficulties, to addictions, to coping with death, to whatever the case may be.  And I don't doubt for a moment churches around the world have made huge differences in people's lives, giving them strength when they were unable to find it within themselves.  

But what about when you're gay?  For countless millions of people around the world, one of the biggest challenges they'll ever face is coming to terms with their sexual orientation, making peace with an integral part of themselves over which they have no control.  Yet, when they could most use the guidance and support and encouragement--the message of God's love for all of us, no matter who or what we are--the church cannot be there for them in the way they need it.

How could it be?  The blame for why we feel so negatively about ourselves in the first place--why we have such difficulty accepting who we are, why we often spend decades of our lives filled with self-loathing, why we're forced to go through the turmoil of somehow reconciling who we are with what the world tells us we should be--must be placed squarely on the shoulders of the church.  If the church, presumably speaking for God, didn't judge us, then neither would our societies and cultures.

The church will tell you that it is there for you, and it will provide all the guidance and support you need; you just have to be open to the help it offers.  But how the church defines help, and how you define it, are likely two very different things.  The church won't help you to accept and love yourself as you are; it can't.  Rather, it will urge you to give up your errant ways and to eschew the homosexual lifestyle in favor of that which is considered normal, at least for the majority of people.      

The source of our anguish is the conflict between what we know to be true and immutable about who we are, and the judgment brought to us for being something we're told is immoral.  What we must do is question whether those who tell us it's immoral are really in a position to do so.  They are not God, after all.  They cannot presume to speak for Him as they do.  All they have is access to the same words in the Bible we all do and choose to look at them in a way different from us.

As gay people, what we need more than anything is the permission to accept and love ourselves exactly as God made us.  What a relief it would be if someone, particularly someone from the church, granted us that.  But it doesn't work that way.  The permission we seek comes from within each one of us, when we realize the only one we must really be true to and the only one we owe the opportunity of a full, honest, and rewarding life to, is ourselves.  Only then can we have self-acceptance and self-love.

A Tragic Anniversary

A year ago this month, at least six American teenagers committed suicide upon returning to school, either because they were gay, or suspected of being gay, or just different.  The bullying they endured was so bad, they saw no way out of the torment except to end their lives.

The six teenagers were:
Tyler Clementi, 18, from New Jersey
Seth Walsh, 13, from California
Asher Brown, 13, from Texas
Billy Lucas, 15, from Indiana
Raymond Chase, 19, from Rhode Island
Justin Aaberg, 15, from Minnesota

These young people have been on my mind a lot lately, because I know what they went through in early September, the new school year looming.  Summer vacation meant freedom, not only from the pressures of studies, grades, and expectations, but also from those who teased, taunted, and ridiculed.  July and August were months when you could exhale, be yourself, while spending more time around supportive family members and less around those those who would do you harm.        

Back in the 1970s, I lived in dread of September.  While I was excited about the fresh start to another school year, anxious to see my favorite teachers and to be taught some of my favorite subjects, I was scared to death about being in the same area as those who picked on me.  I worried about what they'd do after not seeing me for several months--what new names they'd call me, what new things they'd do to abuse me, and how I'd be humiliated in front of everyone.

I prayed they had grown up over the summer and finally felt guilty for how badly they'd treated me; that they'd leave me alone so I could focus on my studies and earning the best grades possible.  But that didn't happen.  I never knew what I'd be subjected to--when they'd walk by my locker and shove me in it; when I'd turn a corner and they'd yell the word "faggot" at me; when we'd cross in the hallway, and they'd punch or trip me, bursting into hysterics when I slammed into the wall or fell on the floor.  

Oh, yes, I know firsthand what Tyler, Seth, Asher, Billy, Raymond, and Justin when through. And it hurts to the core of my being when I think about the young people in towns and cities across North America, and elsewhere in the world, dreading going back to school in just a few days for the same reasons I did.  School is for learning and excellence and personal growth--not for verbal and physical abuse; crushing fragile spirits; or losing the will to live because the pain is so overwhelming.  

In response to the tragic loss of young lives last September, columnist and writer Dan Savage and his life partner, Terry Miller, started the It Gets Better Project.  Over the past eleven months, 25,000 videos, from people all over the world, in all walks of life, were uploaded to the It Gets Better website--each with the intention of encouraging those who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, or questioning their sexual orientation to hang in there, no matter how bad the bullying gets, no matter how awful they're made to feel about themselves, because it truly gets better.

And so it does.  If you have any doubt, I encourage you read some of the posts I've written on this blog over the past two and a half years, where I describe:

• how tough my school life was, growing up in the 1960s and '70s;
• knowing I was different from others but not understanding how;
• feeling alone, lonely, and isolated;
• enduring verbal and physical teasing and bullying at school;
• graduating in 1977 with zero sense of self-worth;
• struggling through my 20s to figure out who I was, to accept my homosexuality, and to come out;
• learning to be a young, gay man on my own terms;
• trying to meet someone who would love me for who I was and who I could love back; and
• meeting Chris, building a live together, and celebrating our nineteenth anniversary this past June.    

Most of all, I want you to know it gets better because you can learn to love yourself.  Despite all the negative things you feel about who you are right now--that you're worthless, that you'll never amount to anything, that you're evil and immoral because you're gay, that no one will ever love you, that your life will never get better--I'm here to say you're wrong.  You are so wrong.  I felt all of these same things at one time or another, and look where I'm at now.  

Today, I write this blog with the intention of helping people just like you to learn to accept their sexual orientation and to love themselves.  Since January of this year, I've written dozens and dozens of posts about every aspect of realizing how important and precious and worthwhile you are, and how to take those first steps toward loving you just the way you are.  You can do this. If I could, feeling about myself the way I did, so can you.  Please take a look at what I've written, and start your journey today.  

To see the life-affirming videos of the It Gets Better Project, please click here.

If you need to talk to someone, and you're in Canada, please contact Kids Help Phone here or at 1-800-668-6868.

If you're in the United States, please contact the Trevor Project here or at 1-866-488-7386.

If you live elsewhere in the world, please check out the resources available in your area.

And always remember, I'm here for you.  Send me an email by clicking on Send Mail at the top right hand side of my blog.  I will respond and help in any way I can.  You are not alone.

No one deserves to die because he or she is gay.  Please reach out and talk to someone.  People truly care about what happens to you.  I care about what happens to you.

It really does get better.  I promise.