A Message of Love for the LGBT Community

Since moving to Metro Vancouver in April 2009, I've criticized the community for what it doesn't have in relation to most other cities, municipalities, and districts in Metro Vancouver.  But what it does have is a progressive-thinking minister of the United Church, whose message of inclusion, acceptance, and love is both an inspiration and an example.

(Please note, I have no formal religious affiliation whatsoever.  I just appreciate Minister Bott's open mind and position.)

The following is from __________, published Wednesday, October 27, 2010.


St. Andrew’s United OK with gay

By Robert Mangelsdorf
Published: October 26, 2010 3:00 PM 

Updated: October 26, 2010 4:01 PM

A message of love can have a powerful impact, and perhaps few know this better than Richard Bott.

He’s the minister of St. Andrew’s Haney United Church, and after hearing the news of yet another gay teen committing suicide after being relentlessly bullied, he says he felt he needed to send a clear message about where his church stands.

“Gay, Lesbian, Straight, Bi or Transgendered? You are loved by God, and … you are welcome here,” the LED sign at the corner of Dewdney Trunk Road and 222nd Street reads.

It is a different message than is being sent by many right-wing Christian groups, but one Bott believes is more consistent with the teachings of Jesus Christ.

“I believe in a God of love,” he says.

“And the guy who said, ‘love one another as I have loved you,’ would welcome these people.

“To be loving is to recognize the humanity in each and every person.”

Bott put the sign up prior to National Coming Out Day on Oct.11, and decided to leave the sign up for the Oct. 20 Spirit Day, which encouraged people to wear the colour purple to honour children who have committed suicide in recent months due to homophobic abuse in their homes and schools.

“The sign was put up because we want people to know that if they are being bullied, this is a safe place,” says Bott.

“We will listen, we will support, and we will care.”

His congregation, which includes members of the lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, and transgender (LGBT) community, has been supportive of the message, says Bott.

The reaction from the community outside the church, however, has been mixed.

While Bott has received phone calls of support, there have also been some who take offence to the sign and its welcoming message.

“I asked them which part of the message do they find so upsetting,” says Bott. “That God loves all people, or is it that we would welcome these people here?”

This isn’t the first time St. Andrews Haney United Church has taken a stance in support of the LGBT community.

Following the legalization of same-sex marriages in B.C. in 2003, the board of St. Andrew’s wrote its own marriage policy, removing sexual orientation from the question of whether two people can get married in the church. The policy, the first of its kind in B.C., has since inspired other churches to do the same.

St. Andrew’s belongs to the United Church of Canada, which is the single largest Protestant denomination in Canada, and the second-largest Christian church in Canada. The United Church was formed in 1925 through the unification of Presbyterian, Methodist and Congregational churches, and has been progressive from the outset. The United Church began ordaining women in the 1930s, and in 1988 removed homosexuality as a barrier to joining the church and its clergy.

In 2003, delegates from the United Church of Canada lobbied in favour of same-sex marriage, and even presented before the House of Commons Justice Committee.

The persistence of who use the word of God to justify hatred and fear-mongering saddens and angers Bott.

“Unfortunately, the more traditional way of reading scripture has had a much louder voice, for much longer,” he says.

The bible was written by many different men, over thousands of years, and features stories, poetry, and songs, notes Bott.

Some sections are rather legalistic in nature, such as the book of Leviticus, which states, “Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination,” in verse 18:22 of the King James translation of the Old Testament. The verse has been used by many right-wing Christians to justify hate against the LGBT community, but scripture must be considered within the context in which it was written, says Bott.

Leviticus also states that if a man cheats on his wife, or vise versa, both the man and the woman must die (Leviticus 20:10). Anyone who curses their mother or father, must be killed (Leviticus 20:9), as must anyone who curses God (Leviticus 24:16), or anyone of a different religion. (Deuteronomy 17:2-7).

But the common theme throughout the bible, specifically the new testament, is love, says Bott, and that should be held paramount over every other lesson.

“My hope is that in time we move away from fear and hate of the other,” Bott says.

“I think faith can be part of that understanding.

“We were called to do more than just tolerate.”

Looking Back

Lately, I've thought about the many gay men I came to know over the years.  As we moved on to other locations, other stages of our lives, we lost touch, but I wonder what happened to them, if they ever found the long-term, committed relationships they so wanted.  

I believe the natural state for human beings is to be together with someone else. We are meant to be coupled.  We are meant to share our lives with someone we love dearly.  We are meant to partner with someone who will teach us what we need to learn about ourselves.  We are not meant to be alone and lonely.  

Some of the gay men I knew had an odd way of looking for relationships.  They headed straight for sex.  I suspect, gay or straight, most men have an easier time engaging in sex than committing themselves emotionally to another human being, which I don't understand and find unfortunate.

My hope for the gay men I knew, both in Kelowna and Vancouver, is they settled down, grew up, realized what they did wouldn't put them in the place they wanted to be.  I hope they learned to love themselves along the way, because I didn't see much of that when we were friends.  Goodness knows, I wasn't much of an example myself.

Do all of us arrive at that destination eventually, that place of love for oneself? Does it happen automatically as a matter of course, just by growing older, being a part of life's many experiences?  Or do we need to make the conscious choice to love ourselves despite the things we've always hated about who we are, including being gay?      

Do all of us find that special person?  Do all of us get to experience the fullness and the beauty and the wonder of love?  Do all of us get to be so much more with someone else in our lives than we could ever be if we remained alone throughout it?

I picture so many of the gay men I used to know, their faces now lined, their hair greying, arriving home to empty houses.  I imagine them never having learned how to open their hearts wide enough for themselves, let alone partners, finding just enough space for a pet of some sort.  I see them amongst a lot of friends, but, at the end of the day, they remain solitary figures, sad and pitiable, missing out on the single greatest blessing of the human experience.

I hope I'm wrong.  I pray I'm wrong.  All of us have so much love to give.  That's why we're here, after all.  If we can just find it for ourselves first.  If we can just believe in our own self-worth, in how extraordinarily amazing we are, in our entitlement to love and to be loved.

I don't want one person who's truly serious about finding the right person and being in a long-term, committed relationship to go without.  I pray every last one of us gets exactly what he wants, including all those young men who made me feel so much better about myself because, in their own way, they loved me as I loved them.  No one should ever have to be alone, if that is not his choice.

"Make It Better Project"

I could not be happier to share with you a couple of websites that came to my attention only today, and that directly address the concerns I had regarding the "It Gets Better" project, which I expressed in the posts 'Skepticism of the "It Gets Better" Project' and '"It Gets Better," Part Three--Have We Missed the Point?'.

While I was initially thrilled with Dan Savage's "It Gets Better" efforts to prevent questioning, LGBT, and bullied youth from committing suicide, then subsequently disappointed, I don't think we can underestimate the impact Savage's efforts, and those who contributed their own videos, have had on creating an awareness around this issue in ways I'm not sure anyone has previously.  But now that we've gotten over the initial excitement of someone giving us a voice and finding our own voices through videos, blog posts, etc., it's time to take things to the next level.

The "Make It Better Project" does just that.  What I love about this project is it doesn't ignore where LGBTQ youth are right now--namely, in public school systems around North America, and the world for that matter, dealing with daily bullying related to their sexual orientation.  It doesn't address the issue of bullying by telling youngsters things will get better when they graduate from high school, or when they grow up, or when they move on to their adult lives.

Rather, it looks at providing specific steps youngsters, parents, teachers, and other interested parties can take right now to create a better quality of life in our public schools.  It gives hope bullied children can take back control, stop looking at themselves as victims, and create a greater awareness around how they are different so their classmates no longer fear what they don't understand.

Like Isaiah says in the introductory video on the website:

We're not helpless.
We're not ruled by adults.
We're not just waiting to grow up.
We have lives right now.
And we have power right now.
And we can use that to make it better...
Right now.

Here's what I see:  I see a world in which bullying is stopped, no matter the cause of it, but especially that targeted at LGBTQ youth.  I see a world where young adults don't graduate from high schools hating themselves because they're gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered.  I see a world where young adults don't waste the better part of their 20s, 30s, or even longer to attempt to overcome the damage done to their self-esteem because of their grade school experience.  I see a world where young LGBT adults do not feel hindered in any way because of their sexual orientation--to be the people they were meant to be, and to live the full and productive lives they were meant to live.

So the two websites I referred to at the opening of this post are:

www.gsanetwork.org

www.makeitbetterproject.org

Please be sure to visit these sites, subscribe to them, and support them in whatever ways you can.

It's up to us to make it better right now, and we can do it.

Living Consciously

So here's a conversation I had with myself yesterday as I got ready to go out to Save-On Foods with Chris.  

"It's cold out there.  Maybe I should wear the scarf I bought when we were in Paris.  I haven't worn it much."

"You mean the one that makes you look gay?"

"It does not make me look gay.  Yeah, you're right.  It makes me look gay.  Maybe I shouldn't wear it.  Wait a minute.  I am gay."

"True.  But do you want to go out of your way to make sure everyone knows it?"

"If they don't already know by looking at me, what harm will a scarf do?"

"This is __________, not Paris.  Everyone gets away with wearing scarves in Paris, including men, but are you sure you want to attract that kind of attention to yourself?"

"Maybe you're right.  What am I talking about?  I'm 51.  I'm gay.  So what?  When will I take responsibility for who I am and stop holding myself back because I'm scared someone might find out I'm gay?  Whatever."  

 (Me wearing the same scarf in Paris, with Notre Dame de Paris behind me, September 2008.)

Nigger Versus Faggot

How is the use of the label "faggot" to describe men who are gay any more tolerable than the use of the label "nigger" to describe people who are Black? Why doesn't the f-word disgust people as much as the n-word does?  I don't understand that.

It is because, as a culture, we've come to our senses and realized using the n-word is unacceptable?  Perhaps.  So when, as a culture, do we come to our senses and realize using the f-word is as insulting to gay men as using the n-word is to Black people?

    

Skepticism of the "It Gets Better" Project

Three days after I wrote the post '"It Gets Better," Part Three--Have We Missed the Point?' comes the following from "YouTube channel offers comfort to gay youth," by Amy Minsky, an article in The Vancouver Sun dated Saturday, October 16, 2010:

'"I think there will always be challenges, because we're a minority in society," [British Columbia New Democratic Party MP Bill] Siksay said.  "And sometimes I worry that a campaign like this makes it sound like it's easy."

'Some Canadian advocates working with LGBT communities are more skeptical of Dan Savage's ["It Gets Better"] campaign.

'"Who knows what the impact of a viral message will be on someone's level of hope.  There isn't a lot or research out there," said Jude Tate, a director with the University of Toronto's sexual and gender diversity office.

'The bigger problem with It Gets Better, Tate said, is that is doesn't address the real issue: that homophobia continues to be tolerated--far more so than racist behaviors and sexist behaviors.

'Without support, LGBT youth in Canada will continue to be thrown out of their homes, drop out of school, be victims of abuse or suicide, said Helen Kennedy, executive director at Egale Canada, a national gay-rights advocacy organization.

'Only eradicating homophobic attitudes--not simply telling youth it will get better and more tolerable--will ensure kids who are bullied make it through, she said.

'"It shouldn't be 'it gets better,' it should be 'make it better [p. B3].'"'

"It Gets Better," Part Three -- Have We Missed the Point?

I just read on www.advocate.com Dan Savage's "It Gets Better" channel is full. Altogether, the channel's received over 1,000 videos as of October 7; it can accommodate only about 650.  Savage is working "with a social media site to host the videos" still pouring in.  I believe it's safe to say the half dozen or so recent suicides of LGBTQ youth in the United States will not be in vain.  Like nothing else, they've created an awareness around the issue of bullying in our school systems we can no longer ignore.

I've viewed a number of the videos, and, while hopeful and inspirational, they are heartbreaking, too.  The long-term legacy of bullying and the resulting pain are so apparent.  When I was growing up, I thought I was the only one who was teased about being gay (even though, as I've written before, I didn't know I was gay, I only knew I was different from other boys).  I see now I wasn't alone, but no social network existed then (in fact, personal computers didn't exist then).  I wish I could have turned on my laptop and watched the "It Gets Better" videos.  What a support, a lifeline, they would have been.

I fear we're missing the point, though.  Sure, the immediate danger is youth at risk.  Absolutely, we must stop the bleeding, figuratively speaking, by creating the videos and by reaching out to young people in a time of desperate need.  In other words, we must do what's within our span of control to stop young people from killing themselves, just because they're confused about their sexuality, or because they've come to the realization they're lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgendered.

But this is only a band-aid, and we have to acknowledge that.  Unfortunately, watching one after another of the "It Gets Better" videos not only shows how widespread and severe the problem has been for generations, but also how little has been done over the years to address the root cause.  I think the videos send the message to at-risk youth that bullying is going to happen, we know that, and little can be done about it, so live with it the best you can, and, once you graduate from high school, it will get better.  Does anyone else think something's wrong with that?

I think as LGBTQ people, we collectively see ourselves as victims.  So many of us were victimized by bullies as we grew up that we've taken it for granted bullying is, has always been, and will always be, a part of our collective grade school experience, and we have no choice but to deal with it on an individual level potentially from as early as kindergarten through to grade 12.  In other words, we've passively accepted bullying as a part of our lives, and all the hope we can offer our youth today through our videos is "it gets better."

That feels lame to me.  It isn't enough.  I believe as long as we see ourselves as victims, we'll continue to be victims.  I believe, even if we say we're "out" of the closet, as many of us do, we're not completely out, or we're selectively out, primarily to those who are closest to us, and who we're mostly confident will accept us and love us just the same, despite our truth.  But just how many of us are courageous enough to get involved in LGBTQ issues in our own towns and cities, to put ourselves and our sexuality out there, in an effort to tackle the problems we face at their source?

I'm not political in any way, and I fear what I'm coming across as saying is, we need to become politically involved where we live to bring about some of the systemic changes we must see before circumstances get better not only for ourselves but for our youth.  Sure, things are far better now than they were thirty, twenty, even ten years ago, but how much of that was due to our own efforts, and how much by the considerable efforts of straight people sympathetic to our cause?  In other words, how many of us can stand up and say something we did improved circumstances for gay people in general?  Probably not many.  I believe we're still too scared and too passive that way.

Anyway, all I really hope to get across here is this:  The hundreds and hundreds of "It Gets Better" videos prove to me, once and for all, that not only was I not alone in my misery when I was growing up, but that bullying is a common denominator in the LGBTQ experience.  And if how I felt about myself after all that bullying--dealing with low self-esteem issues decades later--is representative of how most LGBTQ felt about themselves, then I know we all relate to feeling like victims.  Unfortunately, I think that even if we now feel circumstances are better for us, we still have some of that victim mentality that allows us to go only so far in trying to make things better, both for us and for those young people who will follow in our footsteps but desperately need our help now.

With an increasing number of LGBTQ people in positions of power and authority now making themselves publicly known--from celebrities with platforms, to government figures (at all levels)--is now the time to release the victim personae once and for all?  Is now the time to unite and show just how impressive our numbers are to the population at large?  Is now the time to be more personally accountable for affecting positive changes, for LGBTQ people in general, and for our distressed youth in particular?  

I don't have all the answers.  I'm just here to pose the questions.