Response to Recent Comments, Part Two

Comment #2, received November 26, 2013  (My response is in italics.)

Thanks, Rick, for replying. I just wanted to expand a little bit. I think it's an unarguable truth that we all want love and someone to love. On that basis, I think there's only so much a familial love can fulfill us, and that's why we seek a partner to fall in love, and start our own family.

I could not agree more.  I completely believe we are here to love.  In fact, that is the only reason we’re here, a truth which eludes some.  And, no, familial love isn’t enough.  If we’re lucky, we experience familial love, in a form we recognize as such (some of us don’t, like me), and that allows us to move into our adult lives, ready and able to share our love with that special someone.   

Being single is okay, but you cannot experience the full spectrum of what life has to offer by being single. It's just okay.

From time to time, I receive a comment or email from someone who doesn’t get the whole relationship thing, who claims he’s happy as a single person and couldn’t imagine it any other way.  Like I said in Part One, different strokes.  But, deep inside that person, I believe there is a big hole, waiting to be filled with the experience of love from someone else.  He just hasn’t realized it yet. 

To go through this entire life without experiencing love from someone other than family would seem to me akin to being only partly alive.  I feel sorry for anyone like that.  Even loving fully and completely, and losing, is still better than never loving at all.  Until you’ve been in love–real and true and deep love–don’t tell me you’d rather be single, because I won’t believe you.

I know this because I had several partners who thought the world of me, but to whom I could never fully reciprocate. To them it was pain, because they cannot get what they crave - my heart. Again, the issue is not with me, because it is not difficult for me to fall in love - with a straight guy.

Oh, dude.  Read that again, will you?  Don’t you get it?  The issue is not with you?  Then who is the issue with?  Every partner you’ve ever been with?  So all of them were wrong, and you were right?  Who is the common denominator here?  You!  That’s right.

And I know exactly the problem.  You have no trouble falling in love with a straight guy, but you can’t give your heart to a gay guy?  If that isn’t homophobia, I don’t know what is.  And you know why I can say that?  Because I felt the exact same way. 

For years, I found straight guys more attractive than gay guys. I won’t get into the whole thing with gay guys being attracted to straight guys (in fact, I wrote a post about it previously, even calling it a fetish I had), but you need to open your eyes. 

What is it about straight guys that appeals to you that you don’t find in gay guys?  Straight guys are more masculine?  The idea of being with a straight guy not only turns you on sexually (converting a straight guy is a big gay guy fantasy, if you didn’t already know), but I’d be willing to bet you crave the validation from a straight guy too.  Here’s how it goes:  If I can get a straight guy to love me, then he’ll show me that being gay isn’t so bad after all.  In other words, his attention and love will show me I’m a valued human being. 

But it’s a big illusion, because if you got a straight guy, technically, he wouldn’t be straight, would he?  Then what?  When he gave you his heart, you’d withdraw yours, because he’s no longer truly straight?

Not to mention that if you’re self-accepting, then you shouldn’t need validation from a straight guy to make you feel good about yourself.  You should already feel good about yourself.  Do you see that?

One of them was so depressed to the point, he was suicidal. I had to take him to the hospital to an emergency room. I didn't leave him abruptly, nor was I cold towards him, because I totally understood how he felt. I wanted the same - I mean, not necessarily the same, but to be in a mutual satisfying relationship with someone. Regardless of straight or gay, we all want that - because it IS our heart's desire. Even the Bible says so.

Wow!  I feel sorry for this fellow (the one who was suicidal).  Just on the basis of what you wrote here, I’d say he was definitely suffering from low self-esteem, and he saw your leaving as figuratively ending his life, which he literally wanted to carry through on.  This is a manifestation of how desperate some gay men are when it comes to accepting themselves for who and what they are, and finding the love for themselves that is key to their/our mental health in general.    

That being said, I think being gay is a big challenge, almost a curse,

A disability in one comment and a curse in the other.  Please reread my comment in Part One about this.  Being gay is neither.  It just is.  What makes all the difference in the world, in every aspect of your life, is how you look at it.  You create your own reality by how you look at something like your sexual orientation.   

…that cannot be changed to become a blessing by our own will/strength,

I don’t know if I’d call being gay a blessing.  That said, because I’m gay, I have this blog, and I’ve met some incredible people, like you, as a result.  I consider that a blessing.

And, because I’m gay, I met my partner, Chris–the most extraordinary human being I know–and have experienced the best twenty-one years of my life with him.  I consider that a blessing.

I can’t know what my life would be like if I were straight–although, in my less happier days, I gave some thought to what that might look like–but I can tell you I’m one blessed man.  Whether that’s because I’m gay or not, you decide for yourself.

…but it is somewhat dependent upon external factors such as finding the right one for you.

Gay or straight, external factors will always affect our lives, including finding the right person.  But let me tell you this.  Just because you’re straight, and find who you believe to be the right person, doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be happy, or you’ve got it made.  Just ask all those straight people out there who got married, thinking they had it made, and are now divorced.

In other words, gay and straight people have an equal chance of being blessed by external factors (which are largely out of our control), including finding the right person.  There are no guarantees.  All you can do is the best you can do in all areas of your life. But a positive attitude almost always means you’ll find yourself in a better place than if you have a negative attitude.

It is just okay with being by yourself. We can be somewhat happy by being single, but never be fully fulfilled until we meet our heart's desire and are in a fulfilling relationship.

Agreed.  I've already commented on this.  

So I think it is wrong for you to say I am wrong.

I haven’t said you’re wrong.  As far as not being fulfilled until we meet our heart’s desire and are in a fulfilling relationship, I couldn’t agree more.  I’m an example of that in my relationship with Chris.

Because essentially, what I am saying is very basic and fundamental, that it is irrefutable. Anyhow, thank you for your response, and I look forward to your new post you promised on this topic.

Thank you for your comment.  I sincerely hope I've written something here that got you thinking, and maybe helped you to look at yourself and your life a little differently.  Sometimes, that's all we need–a little push in another direction.