Post-Gay (Guest Post)

Over the past five months or so, I’ve heard from a number of readers who’ve asked about my next post–like, where is it?–wondering why I haven’t written anything new for “This Gay Relationship” in nearly half a year. 

There are a number of reasons for that: 

1).  Much of my writing time has been focused on my novel, which is going well (if slowly), but which continues to demand a lot of my time and energy.      

2).  I started a new blog last December focused on what I’m learning in the process of completing my novel (apparently, every serious writer should have a writing blog).  For those of you who are interested, it’s called “Rick Modien’s Writing Blog” (not a very original title, huh?), and you can access it here. 

3).  Continuing to write for “This Gay Relationship” depends on having something new to say about being gay, working through it, and coming out stronger and better.  To be honest, being gay hasn’t been a big deal for me lately.  Increasingly, it’s become just a part of my life, which is, I suppose, exactly what I’ve always wanted it to be.  (That said, I’ve recently come up with a few ideas for new posts that I hope to write, and share with you, very soon.)

4).  While I’ve been so busy working on my novel, I’ve tended to focus more on smaller bits and pieces to share with you, which I’ve done from time to time on the “This Gay Relationship” Facebook page.  These include articles I find on the web, reviews of books I’ve read, and so on.  If you want to take a look at that, please click here.

In short, please be assured I haven’t turned my back on “This Gay Relationship.”  I’ve only taken a break from it, which I’m now about to end, in a manner of speaking. 

Years ago, I made the acquaintances of several readers who either wanted to exchange guest posts with me, or who I asked to write a guest post.  Such was the case recently with Alex, a seventeen-year-old young man from the United States, who found my blog late last year and wrote me an email in early January of this year. 

Since then, Alex and I have gotten to know each other through an ongoing email correspondence (as well as the occasional Skype session) that has seen us discuss a number of topics over time.  I consider him a friend, and he considers me a friend as well as a mentor.  We’ve had some serious “discussions,” but we’ve laughed a lot too.

I admire Alex as a person–his youth, vitality, ideas and opinions (although we haven’t always agreed on everything), and his ability to write.  For some time, I thought about inviting Alex to write a guest blog post for “This Gay Relationship,” because I wanted to feature a sample of his writing on my blog.  I raised the subject with him, and even gave him a topic to write about, if he couldn’t think of anything himself (the topic was one I’d wanted to write about myself, but, when you read it, you’ll see why I wasn’t the right person).  Alex ran with it, and, over the last several weeks, we’ve worked together to prepare his guest post for you.

So, without further delay, it gives me great pleasure to present Alex’s guest post titled “Post-Gay.”  We hope you enjoy reading it.        

***

Post-Gay

by

Alex

 

I'm Alex.

I'm seventeen years-old.

I'm an American.

I'm a human being.

And I’m gay. 

But I also consider myself to be a post-gay teen.  I’m part of the younger generation today that doesn’t have trouble accepting who we are. My sexual orientation doesn’t define me.  Rather, it strengthens me.

But our world isn’t a post-gay one yet, is it?  For that reason, many people, young and old, still struggle with their sexuality.  Even in 2015.  Even though being gay today, especially in Western countries, is so much easier than being gay was in the past.

A little about my story.

I came out last year, in February 2014.  I’ve known about my sexuality since I was thirteen.  I hid in the closet for three years, not because I hated who I was, but because I wasn’t ready for the world to know about my sexuality. It’s a scary place being in the closet, not knowing what others will think of you.

I suppose one of the biggest reasons why I stayed in the closet was because I was worried about what my parents would think, and how they’d react to finding out I’m gay.  I may be a post-gay teen, but my parents are certainly not post-gay parents.  (I look forward to the day when parents won’t care one way or the other what their children’s sexualities are.)

Eventually, I found the courage to come out.  It was the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do in my entire life, and it was definitely the most terrifying.

Don’t get me wrong, though. I’m not saying that coming out is something to be avoided.  I believe we, as gay people, owe it to ourselves to be open about who we are.  But it’s still tough to do.

Now, not to scare you, but my coming out didn’t go well.  I live in a very conservative area of the United States. As such, my parents are very traditional and, of course, believe homosexuality is a sin–which they reminded me of during my coming out.  It was both difficult and painful to see my parents lose their composure, and to hear them say hurtful things.

But I’m glad I did it.  I don’t regret taking that big step at all.  It had to happen eventually, and I’m glad I did it when I was young, instead of waiting, instead of wasting so much time being scared and hiding my true identity. (After all, we only have one life.)

My parents and I are generally on good terms now, but I know they’ll never support me, nor will they fully accept that I’m gay.

But you know what?  That’s okay.  That’s perfectly fine.  Why?  Because what really matters is that I’m comfortable with who I am, not if my parents are comfortable with it, or my classmates, or anyone else.

One of the biggest lessons we’re here to learn is that it doesn't matter what other people think about us (and that includes our sexuality). It's a lesson that I learned before I came out, and it’s a lesson every gay person needs to learn, in order to live openly and happily.

Because it’s okay to be gay.

Being gay is in our DNA.  It’s something we could never change, even if we tried.

I’ve heard so many stories about people who've tried to "pray the gay away," who've tried "therapy," and any number of other things to change who they are. And it makes me damn sad (and upset) when I hear about them.  Nobody should ever feel like they have to fight who they are inside, who they were born to be.

Perhaps my being so accepting of myself surprises you.  It surprises me too.  After all, I’ve grown up in the Bible Belt, among the most conservative and devoutly religious people you could possibly imagine.

Yet somehow, despite being surrounded by all that, I've managed not to let it influence me, or how I feel about myself.  Unlike most people here, I'm extremely liberal and free-spirited. From the moment that I first realized I was gay, I accepted it wholeheartedly.

Actually, the first thing I did when I realized it was to talk to myself about it.  In that conversation, I told myself that I'd be all right, and that I knew I couldn’t change. But the most important thing I told myself was that God would still love me regardless of my sexuality, and that it could never be a sin to love.

After all, love is God’s greatest gift to us.  It’s why we’re here. To love, and to be loved.  Even if you don’t believe in God, you can’t deny that love is one of the greatest miracles of life.  It’s human nature.  It’s instinct.  And love isn’t exclusive to heterosexuals.  It’s part of all of us, regardless of our sexuality.

One of the biggest reasons why I am so accepting of my sexuality is because I’ve had wonderful role models all my life.  People like Lady Gaga, Ellen DeGeneres, and Elton John.  It's role models like them who inspire me constantly and show me that it’s one hundred percent okay to be who you are.

And, while I was gathering the courage to come out, I watched videos on YouTube of people like them–their coming out stories, their experiences.  And I can confidently say that if we didn’t have such inspirational gay role models and activists, I might not be as accepting of myself, and I doubt I’d even be out right now.  I owe a huge "thank you" to all of the wonderful people out there who’ve been so courageous in a world that hasn’t always been kind to gay people.

As someone who considers himself to be a post-gay teen, it's hard for me to see this darker, crueler side of the world. It's hard for me to hear about kids being disowned for being gay, to see all of the negativity and violence directed towards gay people, and to experience homophobia firsthand, even from my very own parents.

But what gives me hope is that although there is so much oppression, there are people willing to fight it.  Every day, more and more gay people come out, and every day, the LGBT community continues to fight for its rights. It's actually an exciting time to be alive, to be a witness to such a wonderful human rights movement–and to be gay.  It makes me proud to be a gay individual.

If you're reading my story, and you’re struggling with your sexuality, I want you to know that everything will be all right.  And I want you to know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.

Sometimes, it's easy to believe something you've been told all of your life, like “homosexuality is a sin," which a lot of religious people say.  But, at the end of the day, you must not listen to them.  You must listen to yourself, to your heart.  If you dig deep enough, you'll understand all that I'm saying–you'll understand that it's really okay to be who you are.

Everyone deserves to live their life fully, regardless of their sexuality. Each and every day, we as a gay community become more and more accepted.  And I’m confident that, one day, being gay won't be an issue for any of us anymore.

Gay or straight, babies will be born into a world that won’t care about sexuality–into a truly post-gay world.  And, although there may be those few who remain anti-gay, love and compassion will always overshadow them, and hope and acceptance will win every time.

Thanks for reading my story.

"Happiness can exist only in acceptance." - George Orwell

An Invitation to Blog for "The Huffington Post"

A week ago last Friday, I received an email from Joe Van Brussel, Writer/Assistant Editor–Social Impact, at The Huffington Post, inviting me to submit a post for "Huff Post TED Weekends."  Embedded in the email was a link to one of the best online videos I've seen, featuring a powerful talk from Esther Perel.  And I was encouraged to use the video as the inspiration for my own post, or, as Joe put it, as the spark for an entirely different idea I'd like to write about.

Initially, I thought, I have enough to do right now without adding something else; however, the invitation intrigued me and stayed in the back of my mind.  Plus, I didn't see how I could pass up the opportunity.  Before long, I had an idea–although I didn't fully understand where it might go–and I sat down to write.  I was happy enough with how the finished product turned out to submit it and was thrilled to learn it had been accepted, appearing this past Saturday on The Huffington Post.  

If you're interested in what I had to say, I've provided a link to the post below.  Let me know what you think.  I'd love to hear from you.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rick-modien/the-most-important-reason_1_b_4043853.html  

The Missing Piece, by Nathan David (Guest Post)

You would not believe the number of times I've received emails from people wanting to use my blog to advertise something.  I guess just by my use of the word "gay" in the title, they think I'd be interested in selling everything from hook-up and match-making websites to sex toys.  It's apparent they've spent almost no time at "This Gay Relationship" and have no idea what my blog is about (although you'd think the subtitle would give them a clue).    

So when I received an email in mid-January from Nathan David, a 24-year-old young man, proposing to collaborate with me…well, I confess I was doubtful I'd be interested.  It wasn't until I took a close look at his website, "Rings of Equality," that not only was I impressed with what he's doing, but also I saw the overlap between our websites.  And a collaboration to help both of us achieve our common goals might just be a good idea.

The agreement Nathan and I struck was that I would provide an essay for "Rings of Equality"–which I did recently, called "Eventually Yesterday"–and he would provide one for "This Gay Relationship," titled "The Missing Piece," which you'll find below.

What Nathan's done in a few hundred words is take us from his high school years to the present, as one half of a four-year-long relationship.  I was surprised by Nathan's honesty and candor, as I think you will be.  Clearly, he's not afraid to share personal details about his journey as a young, gay man, in the hope of inspiring others to be better versions of themselves.    

I'm sure you'll enjoy reading "The Missing Piece" as much as I've enjoyed bringing it to you.  And my thanks, Nathan, for having the courage to approach me and for your contribution to "This Gay Relationship."  I appreciate it.

     

High school was difficult for me, like I think it is for most teens. I worked hard to be popular and was continually driven to accumulate more “friends.” Regardless of what I did or how I moved up the social ladder, there was always a piece missing in my life. 

   

Often at night, I found myself staring at the ceiling, thinking, “Why am I not happy?”  After many nights of deep reflection, I realized I didn’t have any friends because I was not being honest with anyone–including myself. I had become a master of hiding the true me in an effort to gain acceptance. Armed with this knowledge, I slowly learned to accept myself. “I am gay, and there is nothing wrong with that” became my mantra.

With this newfound love for myself, I gained the confidence to share who I am with family and friends. Although not everyone’s reaction was ideal, I felt closer to finding the missing piece.  Inspired by a new feeling of closeness with those who are important to me, I entered college as a fully-out gay man.

College was a clean slate. No one knew about my past, and people came to know the true me, with my sexuality forming only one aspect of my overall identity. No longer was I known as “Nathan who used to be straight.” I was just plain “Nathan,” and I liked it that way.

So why did I still feel something was missing?  Although not as large, I knew it wasn’t there.  And, once again, I found myself up at night, staring at the ceiling. This time, the mission became finding a boyfriend.

Unfortunately, I did not see the parallels between this and my focus in high school to collect friends.  I was a man on a mission, and my criteria for prospective partners were subpar, to say the least. I found myself getting into toxic relationships, where the focus was on making out and sex rather than compatibility and intimacy. I saw every gay man as another potential partner and completely lost sight that perhaps we could just be friends.

Over time, my approach evolved, and I moved from being promiscuous to establishing monogamous relationships with little compatibility. The missing piece remained missing. 

  

Finally, I decided to stop the hunt. In my desperation, I entered relationships that were not constructive. I replaced my external search for fulfillment with a focus on myself. I received counseling and reflected on what was important to me, including the impact I wanted to have on the world. I realized I was still putting too much stake in what others thought of me and what society expected. I believed I was well on my way to self-acceptance but quickly learned I had significantly more work to do.

As time passed and I focused on myself, an interesting thing happened. I started talking with a nice boy in one of my classes. We chatted about homework, life, goals, and values. We became friends.  And, one day, I realized we truly cared about each other. I felt something I hadn’t with the other guys, something beyond attraction. It was compatibility and a genuine interest in the wellbeing of each other. Unlike with other guys, we took it slow and started dating after several months.

That was over four years ago, and our relationship has been far from perfect. On countless occasions, we’ve had disagreements, almost breaking up a couple of times.   

What I’ve come to realize is no relationship is perfect; every couple has conflicts.  But the true test is how you deal with this friction. Do you blow up at each other, or do you ignore the problem?  (We’ve done both, and neither turned out well.) Or do you use these conflicts as catalysts for change and growth?

Believe me, this is harder than it sounds, but it’s worth the struggle. As imperfect as our relationship is, we continually work to grow our love and help each other achieve his goals.

Ultimately, I think two things have made our relationship last: our shared values and our efforts to improve communication. As time passes and we work on our relationship, the number of good times increases.  Every year, we spend more time enjoying each other’s company and doing the things we both like to do.  

Now, my relationship is a support system for my self-development. It feels good to be encouraged as I face the next set of challenges: health, work, faith, and social issues. At this moment, these challenges make up my missing piece.  And, every day, I work on them to become whole.    

Where Openness and Acceptance Come From (Guest Post)

On the final day of November, it gives me great pleasure to share with you a second guest post from S. B. Graves.  

Some of you will recall S. B.'s first post, titled "Hate Is Not A Family Value," appeared on October 8th.  If you haven't yet had the opportunity to read it, I encourage you to click here.

In subsequent email exchanges with S. B., I asked if she would consider answering the following question in her next guest post:  As a straight, happily married, parent of three, how can she account for being so open and accepting of gay and lesbian people, when she herself is not gay, her children and husband aren't, and, to her knowledge, no one in her immediate family is?  In other words, how can she account for taking up our cause as though it were her own?  This intrigued me--that is, I was curious what her answer would be--and I hope you're intrigued by it, too.

I've written before that we, as gay and lesbian people, will not get what we want--in terms of legitimacy and respect in a predominantly straight world, as well as the human rights we're entitled to just by being on the planet--without the support of our straight allies.  S. B. Graves is more than just an ally, she's an enthusiastic and tireless champion of us, and she's a remarkable example of what we would all hope the straight people in our lives would be.

I hope you enjoy reading S. B.'s guest post as much as I enjoy presenting it to you.

Thanks, S. B., for your contribution to my blog, and, on behalf of all gay and lesbian people, for your compassion, understanding, and willingness to fight the fight along side us.  We sincerely appreciate it.

***

My thanks again, Rick, for giving me this opportunity to guest blog.


When I first came across Rick’s blog and commented on the post of the day, Rick responded by saying he was happily surprised that a straight, married mother of three was so open-minded about gays and lesbians. This was a little puzzling, because I didn’t think my views were all that unique, and I felt I didn’t deserve any shout-outs.  To me, it felt like giving someone a pat on the back for not being a racist.

This led to a further discussion about why I’m open-minded on the subject when many others aren’t. Although I have to admit it makes me laugh, just a bit--“My dear, tell us how you got to be so completely fabulous!”--I’ll try to explain (keeping in mind the many faults I have, which balance out my lack of homophobia).

My husband likes to say I think the place where I grew up (a very liberal city on the East Coast of the US) does not represent the rest of the States, even though I frequently claim it does. I used to begin statements with, “Well, in the US…,” to which he’d respond, “you mean, ‘Cambridge,’ not ‘the US,’ a complete anomaly that doesn’t represent the rest of the States at all.” So, I guess I grew up in an anomaly.

Cambridge, like Berkley on the opposite coast, is incredibly liberal and so blue (as compared to the more conservative “red” states) that the shade is closer to indigo. I lived with my mom and brother (my parents divorced when I was five), about a mile from Harvard Square, and had what would now be described as a free-range childhood: My friends and I walked and played everywhere. There were no organized sports, and we were more likely to tag along with our parents to protest marches (back in the day when Nixon’s Watergate scandal was underway) or investigate all the cool things one could do around New England.

When I was twelve, we moved back to the small university town where my dad lived, so we could spend more time with him. He had a small office back then, with about 15 employees, two of whom were gay. I don’t remember attaching any special significance to this; it was just the way they were. I remember driving somewhere with my dad along with one of these men, and they were looking out the car window at someone they knew (and obviously didn’t like for some reason).  This guy said to my dad, “Well, I’m glad he’s on your team and not mine,” and they both laughed (yes, I got my snarky gene from my father).

Homosexuality was open and unremarkable, just business as usual. My parents were open about it and didn’t attach any judgment to it.  It wasn’t secretive or shameful; it was just part of a person’s personality, mentioned without fanfare. While I think it’s obvious some kids learn bigotry or homophobia at home, I think it’s also true some kids see being gay as “scary” or “different,” simply through the absence of gays or lesbians in their lives. This is why, as a number of advocates have stressed (Rick Mercer most recently), being openly gay is important not only to gay kids growing up but also to straight kids, as things cease to be “scary” when they’re commonplace.

Interestingly, while Rick thinks I’m so open-minded, I felt I had to tell him a story from when I was about 17, as it hasn’t been a seamless journey (all open-minded, all the time), and I think this is a good illustration of the way people may react to that which is unfamiliar.

In my last few months of high school, I did an internship with a non-profit anti-nuclear organization. I arrived for my initial interview and was told to go to a room down the hall. As I walked in, I interrupted two women who were making out. I must’ve looked a little shocked, because they were laughing a bit as they moved away from each other. I distinctly remember feeling uncomfortable and being angry with myself about it:  What was my problem? Why did this bother me? Two women making out--get over it.  I know I strongly felt the problem was mine and not theirs--I had an unacceptable reaction, and they had done nothing wrong.   

So, if I’m playing armchair psychologist, I’d say my upbringing was definitely non-homophobic--which meant I didn’t see any difference between gays or straights--but I also had a very human reaction feeling uncomfortable with the unfamiliar.  I think it’s okay to acknowledge things foreign and unfamiliar often take us aback, and we have to push ourselves outside of our comfort zones in order to grow and learn.

In the office that day, I gave myself a little pep talk--“Okay, chill out, they’re just lesbians, and they totally didn’t notice your wide open eyes and little gasp.  Show them you’re cool with it.”  Yeah, right, they saw through me, no doubt--but the important thing was, I knew I was the one who had to adjust.

I believe we need to teach our kids and students this: Occasionally, when they’re confronted with things that are unfamiliar, they should acknowledge their reaction is the thing that needs to change, not the person who is different or unfamiliar. I’d say that’s one problem with many conservative families, in that parents teach only the typical is acceptable, and those who are different, or do not represent the norm, should be condemned and made to change.

I also wonder if my differing reactions--not taking notice of the gay guys in my dad’s office versus being a little freaked out by two women kissing--were simply a function of my age: Introduce a kid to something at a young age and it’s easily accepted; wait a bit longer, when we’ve become less flexible, and there’s more resistance.  If my story is an average example of this, imagine those people who have never spent time with someone they know is gay.  What kind of prejudices would they have built up over decades?

To me it’s pretty clear that if you want your kids to grow up to be open-minded about anything, you need to be careful not to lump others into “us and them” categories.  And even if you don’t know anyone who’s openly gay--I say “openly,” because everyone knows someone who’s gay, but not everyone is comfortable about being out in some communities, schools, or offices--you’re careful about the things you say, and you immediately address homophobic remarks your kids or their friends might make.   

In the bigger picture, the more gays and lesbians who are out, the better.  In large cities as well as small towns, if everyone knew someone who was openly gay, homosexuality would cease to be remarkable, and we could comment on the things about them that really matter--like their shoes or hairstyle.  Just kidding.

Hate is Not a Family Value (Guest Post)

Today's guest post comes to us from S. B. Graves.  Over the past months, I've received feedback from this devoted reader, whose writing, voice, and sensibility I not only identify with but also appreciate.  I've wanted to approach S. B. to write a guest post for a long time, and I'm thrilled to share this with you.  I hope you enjoy what S. B. wrote as much as I do. Please be sure to let me know your comment.

*

Thanks, Rick, for the generous opportunity to write a guest piece for your wonderful blog! 

As I considered what I could share of value with your readers, I realized that my perspective, both now and before becoming aware of the issues facing LGBT people, might resonate for gays and lesbians, as well as for straight people:  in the case of the former, wondering how straight people can often be so clueless, and, the latter, becoming aware of the current climate in which LGBT people are trying to live their lives. 

I’ve tried to remember what was happening in my life when former Prime Minister Paul Martin made same-sex marriage legal in Canada, because the debate is but a dim memory. I wish I could say I was writing letters and campaigning with the same devotion I do today, but that’s not the case. I was building a house (me, the English major, taking on the role of general contractor) and raising (I use the term loosely) three kids. Gay marriage simply wasn’t on my radar. 

But that’s my point:  For better or worse, I just didn’t care. I was far too busy pleading with recalcitrant roofers and stoned dry-wallers to worry about what honeymoon plans two guys down the road might have. Had I paid closer attention, and been aware of the opposition to same-sex marriage that came from some quarters (most, notably, my own province of Alberta), I probably would have gotten involved, for the same reason I’m involved today: Because it isn’t fair to deny a person’s human rights on the basis of sexual orientation, any more than on gender, race, or religion. 

It never occurred to me to think that same-sex marriage would have any effect on my own marriage, as some anti-marriage activists suggest. Which makes me wonder:  What drives some straight people to so fervently deny the rights of others, or, in the case of the recent Institute for Canadian Standards ad in the National Post, request that we not tell children at all about gays, lesbians, or transgendered people? Whether the discussion is about same-sex marriage (six years ago here, now in the US) or current classroom anti-homophobia and anti-bullying programs in Canada, there is a vociferous group of people who are under the impression it is their job to deny human rights to anyone who isn’t straight. 

I certainly understand being so wrapped up in one’s own life that he or she simply doesn’t have time to think about current events; it’s not an ideal situation, but it is reality for certain periods of one’s life. What I genuinely do not understand is why certain straight people, like conservative radio host Kari Simpson, who filed a police complaint about Burnaby’s anti-homophobia school program, make it their life’s mission to promote discrimination and hatred. What can they possibly gain?  

Personally, I believe that if you are straight, it is your responsibility, as a member of the group that primarily does the discriminating, to defend others.  While I am blown away by the huge amount of work gay activists have done to move LGBT rights forward, straight people need to join in as well. The civil rights movement got a huge boost when whites joined blacks in marches and demonstrations.  We need to do the same for LGBT people today. 

In his wonderful rebuttal to John Carpay’s bigoted editorial in the Calgary Herald, Professor Darren E. Lund quotes Elie Wiesel:  "I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented." And, similarly, Martin Luther King, Jr. wrote:  “History will have to record that the greatest tragedy of this period of social transition was not the strident clamor of the bad people, but the appalling silence of the good people.”

For any straight person reading this and asking, “What does this have to do with me?”, I urge you to speak up. Challenge your children and their friends, your friends and co-workers, when they say things like "that’s so gay."  Tell them comments like that offend you.  It’s difficult the first time. It’s not in our nature as Canadians to be self-righteous, to draw attention to ourselves.  We tend to be British about it and pass it off.  

But, as someone who was born in the United States, being opinionated comes as naturally as eating chocolate.  For the polite Canadians reading this, I encourage you to channel your inner American! Start small, start with your own family. If your kids say "that’s so gay" or "faggot" with regularity, make sure they understand how comments like that affect every gay kid who hears it at school.  Studies have shown that all kids, gay and straight, bullied and not-bullied alike, do better in schools where anti-bullying programs are in place.  Please make sure your kid is on the side of providing solutions rather than creating problems. 

Don’t assume your kids are straight. Maybe they are, but, in some cases, you won’t know for sure until they’re adults.  Consider this when making statements. 

If adults you know make homophobic comments, tell them, “I find that offensive.” Repeat it every time it happens. They may react with denial or justifications at the time, but, in my experience, they’ll stop saying it eventually. Too often we consider the feelings of those making the bigoted statements, rather than the feelings of those targeted. I promise, the first time you call out someone for a making a hateful remark is the hardest.  After that, it becomes a refrain. 

It isn’t enough to support gay rights; you must challenge those who are against gay rights. It isn’t enough for our kids to stand back and not bully; they need to defend their gay and lesbian classmates. Part of what makes a country healthy is its ability to look out for everyone, not just those who are members of the majority. I truly believe it’s our duty as members of a productive society to stand up for people, to defend those who are persecuted, and not to remain silent. 

You Were Born to Love (Guest Post)

Dear Readers,

A little background.  In July of this year, Donna Smaldone, whom I met when she responded to a post, and I became friends, even though I live in Metro Vancouver, she lives in New York State, and we've never met in person.  You could say our spirits connected across the miles, because we get each other and what each of us is individually trying to do with his and her blog.    

That same month, Donna invited me to guest blog on her website, "Donna Smaldone: Welcome to The You Evolution," which came as a pleasant surprise.  She'd already written Parts One and Two of a series titled "When being gay isn't always so gay," and she entrusted me to complete the third and final part.  I was thrilled and jumped at the opportunity.  If you haven't read what I wrote, and if you'd like to read all of the series, please click here.

Then, in August, Donna prepared a video post on her site called "What exactly IS The You Evolution?"  As I watched her explain, I saw how what she said applied not only to straight people but also to gay and lesbian people.  That got me thinking I should ask Donna to guest blog for me, to share with you details about how The You Evolution applies to you, but I didn't get the courage to ask her until recently.  (To see the video post, please click here.)

Donna is a vivacious, positive, and uplifting human being, and it gives me great pleasure to share her guest post with you.  I hope you agree that what she has to say is both powerful and empowering.  At the end of the post, you'll find a direct link to Donna's website.  I invite you to be a part of what she has to say about being the best you you can be, both as an individual and in your relationships.    
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You Were Born to Love

You were born to love and to love fully.  So why should it matter who you were born to love?

It shouldn’t.

I do not pretend to understand the trials, wounds, and judgments so many gay people have endured for loving who they love.  As a straight woman, I admit there’s a certain luxury in being a heterosexual – and knowing my friends can’t enjoy that same luxury breaks my heart. 

I’ve known my friend De since we were children.  Although legally blind, she captures the essence of life in the most beautiful photographs.  She’s an artist, a New England Patriots fan, and an unapologetically overindulgent Mama to pup “Juno”.  De has a heart bigger than most and loves wholly and unconditionally.  Oh, and her partner of twelve years is a woman.

De will tell you she’s never fully identified with labels—‘lesbian’ included.  She’s merely succumbed to society’s need to paste it on her forehead.  De once queried, “Why can’t I just be a woman who happened to fall in love with another woman?”

Love is love.  Period.  Unfortunately, people have become masters of condemnation of things they don't struggle or identify with themselves.

God’s not disappointed in us for loving who we love, man or woman.  He’s disappointed in the disdain and disrespect we’ve adopted to pass judgment on how others love.

Friends, your love is not wrong.  Your love matters.  YOU matter.

In the beautiful uniqueness that is YOU, you’ve been given a purpose.  There is NO ONE else on this earth who has been given the same purpose as you.  Being gay does not negate this fact.  If you aren’t embracing the uniqueness that is YOURS, not only are you missing out – but your friends, family members, neighbors, and co-workers are also missing out.

Embrace your individuality.

Everything that has happened in your life up to this point has played a role in your You Evolution™. Every smile, every kiss, every argument, every mistake.  Every good, every bad, every one.  Without even one of those things, events, or people – you would not be fully you.

Don’t give up on yourself.  Don’t give up on your self. Gay or straight – it makes no difference – there is NO other like you.  You are special.  You are precious.  You are beautiful.  And in no way are you a mistake.

Like so many of you, I am honored to have Rick Modien in my life. He and I have yet to meet face-to-face, but our souls are connected across this great continent.  Rick’s mission, to elevate the experience of being gay through understanding, accepting, and loving yourself, parallels my goal in The You Evolution™.

My hope through The You Evolution™ is to challenge YOU to embrace your own unique, personal journey so you may contagiously enjoy community and relationship with others. Thank you to Rick and to each of you for allowing me to be part of your journey. 

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To access "Donna Smaldone: Welcome to The You Evolution," please click on the logo or here.