Wednesday, July 29, 2009


I've just had an epiphany.

Related to what I wrote about today, I wonder if being gay is, in the end, about feeling disconnected from being male, however that manifests itself--in my case, not believing I'm masculine enough in a physical sense--and seeking that which we don't have ourselves in our relationships with other men, both those who are just friends and those who are more intimate.

There is absolutely something to this. I've had no positive relationships with straight men in my life--not my father, or a brother, an uncle, a grandfather, or even a friend. As a result, I've felt as though I don't belong to my gender. At the core of human existence is the need to belong, somewhere, presumably to that which is most important to you, or which you hold most dear. When that doesn't happen for whatever reason, you spend the rest of your life seeking it because the need is so great and all-consuming.

I would be the first to tell you that I strongly believe being gay is biology. I was born this way, I have no doubt about that. So if you're born gay, do you think that the world in general, which culturally isn't supportive of people who are gay, reads it in you and, as a result, begins the long road to shunning you in a million different ways: The young father, who knows in his heart that his son is gay and, realizing it or not, turns his back on him in all the ways that would validate him and allow him know that he's loved and valued; peers at school, who sense a little boy is gay, and who, consciously or unconsciously, decide not to have anything to do with him, or to tease and taunt him, thereby starving him of what he wants and needs most--warmth, support, connection.

Given these scenarios, isn't it possible that what the little boy, who is gay, was deprived of he spends his entire adult life trying to obtain from his relationships with other men? I know for a fact this is true. I know my relationship with Chris has been, in part, about getting from him what I never got from any other male in my life.

Something to think about.

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