I LOVE my blog. I love my blog because it's been an opportunity for me, in a way that nothing else has, to write about whatever the hell I want to, and, in the process, to explore who I am and what I want most.
Lately, with some of the posts I've published, and some I've written first drafts of but haven't yet published, I've felt like I'm on the verge of a breakthrough. I feel like I'm on the precipice of a profound understanding of myself that I didn't have before. I feel as though, at any moment now, the shell will open completely, instead of giving me only glimpses through the cracks of what's inside, and all will be revealed.
What do I mean by "all?" I mean that through day-to-day living, I've learned that this thing is important to me and that thing is important to me, but I haven't seen the patterns or the relationships or the bigger picture. I also haven't seen much of the path that I must take moving forward.
For example, I know that I wasn't born gay for nothing. Each of us is born something, however that is different from other people. We're all human beings first, but we're all different is some way too, some of us in more ways than just one. And I believe that's no accident. I believe we're custodians of our differences. I believe the challenge placed before us is to embrace what makes us different--that is, to learn to love it about ourselves, regardless of what it takes to do that--and to champion it, so that the path for people with the same difference is made easier for them through your efforts.
In my case, I was born gay. I'm a human being, like everyone else, but my difference is that I'm gay. I can't go through life without admiring and respecting all those gay people who came before me, and who, through their awareness and patience and courage and perseverance, helped to make the path I follow today, as a man who is gay, a little bit easier than it was for them. Had they not done what they did, I wouldn't do what I do now. I owe them a lot.
How can I deny my position in the chain of helping gay people coming up behind me? How can I turn my back on being gay, and not try to understand what being gay is more fully, and not use it to make my path, as well as that of other people, easier, more comfortable, better?
Sure, I could write about everything else other than what it's like to be gay. But I don't know what it's like not to be gay. I can imagine what it's like, and I could make a fair attempt at representing it in my writing, but to what end? What would I achieve? What would be the point? How would I make anything better? How could I do my part to make a contribution?
What my blog has helped me to do over the past months is understand my responsibility to those who are different in the same way that I'm different. It's also helped me to explore what that means, what that looks like. I'm not completely there yet. I have a lot more exploring to do.
But I know for sure that I'm closer than I've ever been to having at least some of the answers, because I've stuck with my blog, I've dedicated myself to it, and I've never shied away from writing about whatever is on my mind, serious, frivolous, or otherwise. Because it's on my mind for a reason. And I owe it to myself to honor it and to investigate it through my writing.
My challenge is to figure it all out, and I'm closer to that now than ever before. I look forward to digging even deeper and to seeing whatever is revealed to me.