Monday, March 21, 2011

"Seeking Ways to Take Being Gay to the Next Level"

An observant and valued reader contacted me late last week to ask why I'd changed the tag line on my blog from "Together, Taking Gay to the Next Level" to "Seeking Ways to Take Being Gay to the Next Level."  So I thought I'd spend a few minutes to explain.

As I've written before, my blog continues to evolve.  Early this year, I changed its focus to one of helping gay people to see how self-loathing affects us, and how learning to love ourselves (or improve our self-esteem, if you prefer) is one of the best ways to take "gay to the next level."  (I invite you to peruse these posts written between early January and mid-February.)

But, as I discovered, it isn't the only way.  While I continue to believe raising our collective self-esteem, which is completely within our control, is one of the best ways to improve our experience as gay people (and which I'm committed to writing about here on an ongoing basis), I realize we can contribute to achieving the same goal in other ways as well.

On March 10, for example, I wrote a post called "The Gay Lifestyle."  In it, I dispelled the notion of such a thing.  Sure, some gay men end up living alone and lonely, abusing drugs and alcohol, and engaging in anonymous and promiscuous sex--what is often considered the gay lifestyle--but just because that's what you most commonly know doesn't mean that's all there is.

Thousands of gay couples, Chris and me among them, live in happy, committed, long-term, and monogamous relationships; you just don't hear about them as much, that's all.  And part of what I've tried to do here is show you, through sharing details of Chris and my life together, what a working gay relationship looks like (hint: not that different from a straight relationship).  

Increasingly, I want my blog to play a role in helping gay people to look at themselves and their lives differently.  As I've continued to write posts on aspects related to being gay, I've realized some of the subtle and significant ways we can change our experience, often by doing little more than changing our perception. Through my ongoing search and writing about it, I hope to open up that world for you (as I've done in the past), as well as for me, so we can move our lives to another level.

Have you ever gotten stuck, thinking or doing the same thing over and over, because you fell into a routine, because the tried and true worked, because you never needed to turn it upside down and take a closer look at it?  What if it no longer works, or is no longer the best response?  In other words, maybe the perception we have of ourselves as gay people no longer works either.  Maybe we need to take a closer look at what being gay means to us, and see what hand we have in creating a new reality.

Seeking ways to take being gay to the next level:  that's my goal, and I hope it's yours, too.  If you think of anything, small or large, that all of us should be aware of not only to improve our experience of being gay but to elevate it to a higher level we may not have realized before, I invite you to respond to a blog post or to send me an email directly.

As always, I look forward to hearing from you and, hopefully, to a vigorous exchange of ideas.

10 comments:

  1. Rick I've been reading your posts and not commenting. I see that you want your blog to help people and that is a really good thing to do and maybe it is helping some people and that's good too. I give you a lot of credit for your efforts. But there's always a but right? With all due respect Rick, taking gay to the next level just sounds like a bunch of empty words. What does that mean exactly? You talk a lot about self esteem in your blogs and self loathing and whatnot. Does it ever occur to you that maybe all this hating yourself stuff that so many gays deal with is there because intrinsically being gay is not the way its supposed to be? Maybe its natures way of telling you that something is out of order. Seems pretty obvious to me. I don't buy the "I was born that way" theory. Its an excuse to stay the way you are because it's too hard to look deep inside yourself and make a change to be something else. I'm sure I'll get blasted for that statement. As I've said before Rick, I am not trying to start an argument here. I am just trying to add another perspective. And whose to say I'm wrong? What about loving yourself just because you are God's creation? Leave the whole gay thing out of it. You guys aren't the only ones who deal with low selfesteem. Us straight guys have to deal with it too and I don't go around trying to love myself because I am straight. I agree with a lot of what you said in your previous posts about loving yourself. But just like I've had to deal with the root of my low selfesteem maybe you do too. I had to make some drastic changes in my life in order to do that and it wasn't easy. I had to face some serious junk from the past that could have destroyed me and talk to a lot of people and even ask for forgiveness from some others. But there's a lot of freedom that comes from that. I won't say that the low self esteem thing doesn't rear its ugly head every now and then but for the most part I love who I am and I have a good life. Respectfully, Rick I submit my comments.

    ReplyDelete
  2. In my biased opinion, (and based on limited experience,) I feel that in general gay people are above average citizens, working hard and making contributions to society that are often overlooked. Sure there are issues with recreational drug use and building self esteem, but you don't see the newspaper full of "real problems" that have their roots in the gay community (of course some people think just being gay is a "problem" but of course this is only a problem in their minds).

    At the same time, there is a lot more we can do to better ourselves as individuals, and to make the experience of our lives better. Rick's blog has shown us that there is much we can do to love ourselves more and become a positive force.

    Instead of just focusing on extreme cases, or gay people in the media spotlight, maybe we can seek out and send Rick examples of successful gay folks that never make it into the spotlight. Why not profile people we know in our local community, or even those making a difference on a larger scale but not getting much credit?

    "Nikolai Alekseev, the Russian activist, lawyer and journalist, who for the last five years has organized the scandalously banned Moscow Pride march, and who was described by French gay magazine Têtu as "l'activiste le plus acharné du continent" ("the continent's most dogged activist"). Or Joel Nana Ngongang, the Cameroonian who has done more to further the cause of gay rights across Africa than any other." http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2010/jan/14/influential-gay-men-list-winq

    If the best way to learn is by example, then let's move forward by keeping our eyes open for the best people to follow!

    Thanks for launching the discussion, Rick!

    ReplyDelete
  3. For some reason, a comment I received from realitypursuit came to my email inbox directly but didn't publish here. The text of his comment is below:

    Rick I've been reading your posts and not commenting. I see that you want your blog to help people and that is a really good thing to do and maybe it is helping some people and that's good too. I give you a lot of credit for your efforts. But there's always a but right? With all due respect Rick, taking gay to the next level just sounds like a bunch of empty words. What does that mean exactly? You talk a lot about self esteem in your blogs and self loathing and whatnot. Does it ever occur to you that maybe all this hating yourself stuff that so many gays deal with is there because intrinsically being gay is not the way its supposed to be? Maybe its natures way of telling you that something is out of order. Seems pretty obvious to me. I don't buy the "I was born that way" theory. Its an excuse to stay the way you are because it's too hard to look deep inside yourself and make a change to be something else. I'm sure I'll get blasted for that statement. As I've said before Rick, I am not trying to start an argument here. I am just trying to add another perspective. And whose to say I'm wrong? What about loving yourself just because you are God's creation? Leave the whole gay thing out of it. You guys aren't the only ones who deal with low selfesteem. Us straight guys have to deal with it too and I don't go around trying to love myself because I am straight. I agree with a lot of what you said in your previous posts about loving yourself. But just like I've had to deal with the root of my low selfesteem maybe you do too. I had to make some drastic changes in my life in order to do that and it wasn't easy. I had to face some serious junk from the past that could have destroyed me and talk to a lot of people and even ask for forgiveness from some others. But there's a lot of freedom that comes from that. I won't say that the low self esteem thing doesn't rear its ugly head every now and then but for the most part I love who I am and I have a good life. Respectfully, Rick I submit my comments.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I agree with you in some level. If one would think why people who had ceverly deformed looks hid themselves, why people with wide knowledge of herbs, natural processes were believed to be witches, why gays nowadays are still hunted... You can most probably see a self control of community trying to maintain the status quo. Being gay can be a genetic disorder affected by environment or something else, but it does not change the fact that we are haunted. As the title of this blog states "This Gay Relationship" it has to be mainly about the hardships of being gay. I have lived life and seen how people with severe mental disorders or even by how they talk are being called names, put down by people. It can be a way how this society stabilizes itself.
    Have you heard about Occam's razor? It states that a scientific clause can not be scientific if we can not prove that this clause is wrong when new and additional data are discovered. Hence, I believe there is no truth in life, no facts in life. I believe that the meaning of life is in our hands: only a individual can create his own meaning of life.
    There are very different people in the world. When I feel that I am failing in everything, I need fiction, I need music and I need to bring myself into a dreamy state. This gives my strength to walk on when the weather is too hot and the road too bumpy. And I know people who say to my that I should live in reality, make decisions based on what is important and responsible. Unfortunately it does not work for me. But for many people in the world, it does.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I agree with you in some level. If one would think why people who had ceverly deformed looks hid themselves, why people with wide knowledge of herbs, natural processes were believed to be witches, why gays nowadays are still hunted... You can most probably see a self control of community trying to maintain the status quo. Being gay can be a genetic disorder affected by environment or something else, but it does not change the fact that we are haunted. As the title of this blog states "This Gay Relationship" it has to be mainly about the hardships of being gay. I have lived life and seen how people with severe mental disorders or even by how they talk are being called names, put down by people. It can be a way how this society stabilizes itself.
    Have you heard about Occam's razor? It states that a scientific clause can not be scientific if we can not prove that this clause is wrong when new and additional data are discovered. Hence, I believe there is no truth in life, no facts in life. I believe that the meaning of life is in our hands: only a individual can create his own meaning of life.
    There are very different people in the world. When I feel that I am failing in everything, I need fiction, I need music and I need to bring myself into a dreamy state. This gives my strength to walk on when the weather is too hot and the road too bumpy. And I know people who say to my that I should live in reality, make decisions based on what is important and responsible. Unfortunately it does not work for me. But for many people in the world, it does.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Here's a comment from Doug that didn't publish either:

    In my biased opinion, (and based on limited experience,) I feel that in general gay people are above average citizens, working hard and making contributions to society that are often overlooked. Sure there are issues with recreational drug use and building self esteem, but you don't see the newspaper full of "real problems" that have their roots in the gay community (of course some people think just being gay is a "problem" but of course this is only a problem in their minds).

    At the same time, there is a lot more we can do to better ourselves as individuals, and to make the experience of our lives better. Rick's blog has shown us that there is much we can do to love ourselves more and become a positive force.

    Instead of just focusing on extreme cases, or gay people in the media spotlight, maybe we can seek out and send Rick examples of successful gay folks that never make it into the spotlight. Why not profile people we know in our local community, or even those making a difference on a larger scale but not getting much credit?

    "Nikolai Alekseev, the Russian activist, lawyer and journalist, who for the last five years has organized the scandalously banned Moscow Pride march, and who was described by French gay magazine Têtu as "l'activiste le plus acharné du continent" ("the continent's most dogged activist"). Or Joel Nana Ngongang, the Cameroonian who has done more to further the cause of gay rights across Africa than any other." http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2010/jan/14/influential-gay-men-list-winq

    If the best way to learn is by example, then let's move forward by keeping our eyes open for the best people to follow!

    Thanks for launching the discussion, Rick!

    ReplyDelete
  7. And here's a comment from elevencats that didn't publish:

    I agree with you in some level. If one would think why people who had ceverly deformed looks hid themselves, why people with wide knowledge of herbs, natural processes were believed to be witches, why gays nowadays are still hunted... You can most probably see a self control of community trying to maintain the status quo. Being gay can be a genetic disorder affected by environment or something else, but it does not change the fact that we are haunted. As the title of this blog states "This Gay Relationship" it has to be mainly about the hardships of being gay. I have lived life and seen how people with severe mental disorders or even by how they talk are being called names, put down by people. It can be a way how this society stabilizes itself.
    Have you heard about Occam's razor? It states that a scientific clause can not be scientific if we can not prove that this clause is wrong when new and additional data are discovered. Hence, I believe there is no truth in life, no facts in life. I believe that the meaning of life is in our hands: only a individual can create his own meaning of life.
    There are very different people in the world. When I feel that I am failing in everything, I need fiction, I need music and I need to bring myself into a dreamy state. This gives my strength to walk on when the weather is too hot and the road too bumpy. And I know people who say to my that I should live in reality, make decisions based on what is important and responsible. Unfortunately it does not work for me. But for many people in the world, it does.

    ReplyDelete
  8. @realitypursuit: Just the other day, I thought about you and wondered if you were still following my blog. I'm glad you are.

    I've read your comment several times, and I've decided to respond in this way: I believe my previous responses to your comments state my position. I can't think of anything more to add. At this point, we have to agree we're on different sides of the gay issue, and we'll never change each other's opinion.

    That said, I've moved beyond trying to explain and convince. I respect what you have to say, and I know you speak for a number of people. My goal now is to help gay men and women improve their experience on earth.

    Thanks for taking the time to leave your comment.

    @Doug: You have certainly adopted the spirit of what I want to do here. Who better to bring to our attention than Alekseev and Ngongang, outstanding examples of gay people working to improve the lives of other gays in their countries and, I'm sure, potentially risking their own in the process?

    Thanks so much for your comment, for your participation in this discussion, and for your contribution to our understanding of what being an outstanding gay citizen means.

    @elevencats: If I understand you correctly, I believe you're saying, in part, fear often motivates people to behave in unseemly ways. Fear is always at the heart of why so many straight people discriminate against gay people--they don't understand where our same-sex attraction comes from, and they don't believe it's in keeping with the word of God.

    Even worse, because of the moral judgment brought against homosexuality, gay people are often thought to be evil, or have an agenda, including converting unsuspecting people to our way of life. Of course, you and I know this is ridiculous, but try to convince them of that.

    My thanks for your comment. I appreciate the time you took to write it.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Yes, I believe that fear is a tool used by society to maintain the norm. Thinking that I am doing this or that in a false way, leads me to be more integrated in the society and use a way of life that fits into the norm. And if one sees a person who does something wrong, he/she finds it a duty of a honorable person to lead him from darkness to the light again. I truly believe we do not have exact answers why some people have attraction towards the same sex (and most probably we will never know the absolute truth). What many gay people are trying to do, is show that they are more normal than everyone thinks: trying to fit strongly to the society despite the fact that we are attracted to the same sex. I believe that more and more people start to understand that a society can also be functional if it is made up by people with individual characteristics: seeing that every color fits perfectly into this puzzle.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Good to hear from you again, elevencats.

    On the subject of fear, I don't think anyone consciously uses fear of something to ensure everyone conforms to what's acceptable in society. I think fear is often an instinctive response, and, if people took some time to understand what they're feeling, they might realize their fear is unfounded.

    I struggle with people, who think they have my best interests at heart, attempting to force me to believe or behave a particular way. Often, it's someone who stands in judgment of me, who purports to be a Christian, who puts himself in this position. I think if we got out of each other's business and worried about saving our own soul, we'd all get along much better.

    Finally, I'm not sure gay people go out of their way to live what would be considered by our culture to be a normal life. What is a normal life? If it means I get up every morning, eat breakfast, perform my day's work, prepare and eat dinner, and go to bed to sleep, then, yes, I'm normal.

    But each of us is different in his own way, and, as you point out, there's a place for each of our differences. Gay people are not freaks; we simply love someone of the same sex. So what? That does not make me a freak. Also, it should not make me less acceptable than the next guy. I refuse to believe that. I consider myself to be as normal as everyone.

    It's when we don't think ourselves as normal as everyone else--when we put ourselves below others for whatever reason--that we run into all sorts of problems, both for ourselves and for the society we live in. So, it seems to me, everyone has an interest in helping others to feel included, accepted, and loved. We all gain in the end.

    Thanks for your wonderful comment. As you can see, you inspired me to write on several topics I feel strongly about.

    ReplyDelete