Rick's Ten Observations About Love

As a result of a comment I received from elevencats in Estonia regarding love, I thought I'd write this letter directly to him.  But I hope you find it helpful, too.
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Dear Elevencats,

In a recent comment you left on the post titled "Just Because One is Gay," you wrote the following:

1.  "...In the middle of the night when I cannot sleep...[I] start to search YouTube for clips about love just to get hope for myself."

And:

2.  "I am a selfish person because I need to be...[alone] and I push people I love further away to have these [quiet] moments.  Knowing me, I simply cannot picture myself in a relationship with another human being...."

I hope you see the contradiction in these two statements.  On one hand, when you're unable to sleep (possibly because you have love on your mind?), you seek examples of gay love to give you hope you'll experience it someday in your own life.  But, on the other, you say you need to be alone, push people away, and can't see yourself in a relationship.

So allow me to make a few observations about love, in no particular order, which I hope will help you sort out all of this:

1.  It is human nature to seek love.  When we don't have love from a significant other in our own lives, we celebrate it in the lives of those who do.  That's why we enjoy movies where characters fall in love.  That's why we're tuned in to music about love.  That's why we read stories about people who are in love.  We hold up lovers as an example of what we want in our own lives. And, because they have it, we believe we can have it, too.  Nothing wrong with that.  Love is a basic human need.  We should have it.  

2.  I suspect the people you push away now, to make room for alone time, are parents, siblings, and friends.  All of us need and treasure alone time, even within the context of long-term relationships.  Alone time is important for contemplation and reflection.  Alone time helps us to get back in touch with ourselves.  Alone time gives us something different and new to discuss with our partners when we come back together.  Alone time enriches relationships.  Alone time is necessary, even in relationships.

3.  If you were within a relationship, you wouldn't push your partner away for alone time in the same way you push away someone else who loves you.  Before Chris and I moved in together about eighteen years ago, we negotiated how we'd both get alone time when we needed it.  But we never had to follow through on our plans.  The truth is, when you're with the right person, you want to be together, as much as possible.  But, sometimes, you find yourself alone, and you value that, too.    

4.  Some people will tell you they prefer to be alone, they never want to be in a relationship.  But I think they're full of it.  The fact is, they've never had the right partner, and they've never been in the right relationship.  Sure, compromises are common when you're with the one you love. You become more like him, and he becomes more like you.  You do things he loves to do, and he does things you love to do.  That's all part of the give and take of being in love, and the price you pay is so worth it.

5.  Take some time to be single and alone.  You're still very young, and there's no reason why you should be in a relationship before you're ready.  Enjoy your life as a single, young man to the absolute fullest.  Get everything from it that you can. Do all the things you love to do.  Be as self-indulgent as you need to be.  Above all, learn who you are.  At this time, you are accountable to no one but yourself. And when you grow weary of all that--as you will--you'll be ready for a serious relationship.

6.  When I was single and alone, I knew what I wanted my life to look like, and it wasn't at all what it was then.  I imagined myself with the perfect man for me, in the perfect life together. Ironically, the man I envisioned myself with was exactly like me and nothing at all like Chris. Someone knew better who I'd be best suited to.  So go ahead and imagine the kind of man you think you should be with. Then, be open to the likelihood of someone who's not at all like him.

7.  There is no substitute for love.  Looking back on the past nineteen years, I know without a doubt this has been the best time of my life.  Being alone and single doesn't compare in any way, shape, or form to being in love with another human being--someone who comes home to you every day, someone who chooses to be with you, someone who is your advocate, your champion, your soulmate.  I cannot fathom what these past nineteen years would have been like without Chris.  I'm so grateful I don't have to.

8.  You've no doubt read here countless times over the past six months that you must love yourself or no one will love you.  I'll take that one step further:  the greatest love of your life...is you.  And so it should be.  At the end of the day, there is only you--a little bit of God on earth. Thus, you deserve to love yourself. Who is more worth loving than you?  But loving you doesn't mean being stuck on you.  It doesn't mean being arrogant or thinking you're better than anyone else.  It simply means being self-ful.

9.  Always be open to love.  Sure, you have your own ideas about what you want and don't want in your life, and those are all well and good.  But always, ALWAYS, be open to the possibility of love finding you.  Because, honestly, you are not everything you can be by yourself.  You will be so much more when you turn your life over to the magic and wonder of love.  You can't see that now, so you have to trust me.  But I am so much more today with Chris than I ever would have been on my own.

10.  So when will love come to you?  I can't predict that, and neither can you.  No one can.  I didn't meet and fall in love with Chris until I was thirty-two.  My sister didn't meet and fall in love with her partner until she was well into her forties. Some people are fortunate enough to meet the love of their lives in school or university.  All I know is, don't go looking for it because it will find you.  In the meantime, live fully, be the best you can be, and get ready for love to arrive and to transform your life, as it surely will.

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At the end of your comment, you wrote, "Spread the love!"  I assume you referred to me spreading it through the words of my blog, which I will continue to do every chance I get.  

But you must see the application of that statement to you, as well.  Because you are filled with love.  All of us are.  All of us have an infinite capacity to love--ourselves and others.  And we have a duty to spread it.  

Living without love is not living at all.