Thursday, April 18, 2013

Stop the Hamster Wheel

There are those who believe gay men are all about sex.  Why legalize gay marriage, they argue, why extend same-sex benefits, when all gay men want to do is have sex, anyway? They're already doing what they do. Let's not mock marriage by making it available to gay men.

My response to that is, if you'd been told forever that the feelings you have for someone are unnatural, disgusting, even immoral, you might be all about sex too.  Because, regardless of sexual orientation, all of us need emotional connection, validation, and love.  And, one way or the other, we'll find it.    

Unfortunately, in the case of many gay men, the form it takes is sex.  Because sex is often easier and faster and readily available.  Because you experience the warmth of another human being, even for a short time, and believe you've gotten what you need. But, of course, you haven't.  It's only temporary.  Until the need's there again.    

Sex isn't love.  No one can argue that.  Sex is a manifestation of love, but only when love is there to begin with.  Otherwise, it's just plain, old sex.  And, because we're told our love for another man is wrong, it's the only option open to us, the only option we allow ourselves.      

So how do we stop this hamster wheel?  By our culture accepting gay people for the complex and whole human beings they are.  By supporting same-sex marriage and benefits.  And by sending the clear message that our love is as valid, and necessary, as any.


  1. Well said, Rick! Your posts are always so insightful and on point - thank you.

  2. Thank you, jauntyjulian, for validating what I wrote and for your kind words.

    In past posts, I've been critical of gay men and their promiscuity. Let's just say, my beliefs have evolved over time, and I'm more understanding now.

    I still believe we have to take responsibility for ourselves and do better when we know better. But I also believe we are not entirely to blame for how focused many of us are on sex.

    I appreciate you taking the time to read what I write and for leaving a comment. I hope to hear from you again.

  3. Thank for posting this. Your assessment I find rings true both for me and friends. Slowly the perception of our community is changing. I long for the day same sex couples are no longer legally discriminated against.

  4. You're welcome, Topper. Great to hear from you again.

    It's easy to blame gay male promiscuity on the male sex drive, and I have no doubt that's some of it.
    But I have to believe, at the core of all the sex many gay men have, is the very real need to feel loved. To feel worthy and valued, which are the functions of love.

    Finding and keeping love is a very difficult thing–it gets complicated so easily. That's why many of us seek out sex instead, thinking it will satisfy our needs. But, of course, it doesn't. Anyone who's experienced real and true love knows that. There is no comparison between the two.

    Yes, the perception of our community is changing, and thank goodness for that. But we still have some distance to go, and we can't lose our focus on the finish line. We must also be aware of our brothers and sisters in other countries, where same-sex love is still legally punishable.

    Thanks for your ongoing interest in what I write. I appreciate it.

    1. Rick
      Thank You!

      You are correct. I think the heart of the issue is a search for love and a desire to be valued. I know when I am seeking, the thought goes through my mind maybe the next one with be THE ONE.
      a question, do you believe there is a such thing as a Soul mate? I am formulating some thoughts that may end up in a post.

    2. Hey, Topper

      Oh, do I know about the search, and hoping the next man is "the one." I don't think you ever forget what it's like, even when you've been partnered for a while. There were some wonderful times, but most were just frustrating and disappointing. A few were even scary, but I won't go into that. Let's just say that, in the search for love, we can sometimes put ourselves in situations we wouldn't otherwise. I think that's more likely when we're younger. I sure wouldn't do it now.

      On the topic of whether there's such a thing as a soul mate, I'm probably not the one to ask, because I believe Chris is definitely my soul mate. But, if you were to ask someone who hasn't found "the one" yet, and is fed up with the process of searching, he might think there is no such thing. I guess it all depends on what our experience is. But, yes, between you and me, I sincerely believe there is a soul mate out there for each one us. How can we not believe that? The alternative isn't acceptable, is it?

      Thanks for your comment. I always appreciate hearing from you.

  5. This is so right on the money and I love it. I am 26 and have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. Both of us have always been more mature so we never really felt the draw to countless hookups. In some ways it is easier because we are bi so we knew what it was like to have some feelings that we could accept to at least partially validate that side. I suffered from more insecurity than he did because I had a period where I was significantly overweight. Thankfully, I had a fantastic period of growth with my one and only girlfriend before him and developed enough that I was ready for him when he came along.

  6. Marvelmvs, the fact I've heard from not one, not two, but three different men, confirming what I wrote here, tells me there is truth in my words. And I couldn't ask for greater validation.

    Thank you for briefly sharing your story here. I know someone will read what you've written and be encouraged by what you and your partner share.

    I wish you much happiness and love in your relationship. You deserve it.

    Thank you for your interest in my blog, and for taking the time to contribute a comment.