Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Chris is #1 in My Life

I know this blog, at least so far, has been mostly about our upcoming move to __________; however, I really wanted it to be about a real life gay relationship in action. And I thought, What better action than something as stressful and as anxiety-producing as a move from one city to another.

No, we're not exactly moving across the country. Chris and I are familiar with the Vancouver area because we lived there, both as singles and as a couple, for a number of years. And it's only across the Strait of Georgia from where we live now.

But that doesn't negate the very real changes to our lives a move will precipitate. There are times when I'm completely on board with what's happening to us, as I wrote before, and other times when I'd be much happier keeping everything just as it is. You've caught me on a good day today--I'm on board and looking forward to the challenges and opportunities that await us. But, as Scarlett O'Hara said in "Gone with the Wind," "Tomorrow is another day." Let's just say that, for the weak of heart, a move, perhaps like bungy jumping or skydiving, reminds us that we're still alive. There's no substitute for being shaken up so you're forced to rediscover what you're all about.

What I didn't write in my post from yesterday, about our trip to Modern Country Interiors in Duncan to look for new bedrooms suites, is that, on the way back to Victoria, Chris was very quiet in the car. Although he's generally quiet by nature, he was much more distant and removed than I'm used to, and I didn't know what to say or do to get him to open up. In the end, I decided to remain low key myself. I thought when we returned home to our usual pace of life, I'd be able to talk to him before the end of the day. Which is exactly what I did.

As I said good night to Chris, I asked him about earlier in the day--why he'd been so quiet; what was going on in his mind?

He said that he'd felt under pressure to buy his new bedroom suite at MCI, although I didn't see that at all. I was definite about the suite that I wanted, but he hadn't had the chance to look yet, and he wanted that opportunity before he made a final decision. I appreciated that, and I apologized to him if I had put him under any pressure by what I'd said that he should buy the bedroom suite from MCI. I told him that, by all means, he had the right to check out furniture elsewhere, and to make the right decision for him.

But I also told him that I didn't want him to make a decision on which bedroom suite to buy just because it was cheaper, just because he didn't want to spend as much money as I had. I told him that he deserved every bit as good as I had, and that I wanted him to base his decision on what the right bedroom suite was for him, not on the price.

But when I went to my bedroom, not only did I feel guilty for any role I may have played in how he felt, but also I began to think that perhaps I'd been frivolous in my spending earlier that day. I wondered if Chris felt he had to spend less money because I'd spent more. And, more than anything else, I was upset because in no way did I want Chris to put himself last in our relationship, or in a position less than me. He's first in my life, and he will always be first. He means more to me than any furniture we might buy for our new house, and I want him to know how special he is and how much I love him.

It hurts me to think that he might put himself last, that he might not see himself as an equal of mine, which I've seen more than once in what he buys for himself in relation to what I buy for myself. Sometimes, the dynamics of relationships are difficult and touchy. For the most part, Chris defers to me, but, I know from past experience that, when it really counts, he speaks up, often as the voice of reason, and sets me back on the path we should both be on as a couple. I need my partner to possess that levelheadedness because, sometimes, despite my practical side, I can be a little out there, and I need to be reined in. I realize it's only for my own good that I get pulled back to reality.

Anyway, Chris and I talked further about the bedroom suite issue the following day, and everything is fine. I reiterated that I want him to satisfy himself that he's chosen the right set for him, and that I fully support him spending the right amount of money on it, because, 1). he deserves it, and he has every right to it, and 2). because it's in our new house furniture budget, which I wrote about yesterday. We can afford to do it right.

Who knew that the purchase of a bedroom suite can bring up relationship stuff that makes you take a closer look at what you share with another person? But what an opportunity. This needs to happen once in a while, so that you don't become complacent, and ultimately, so you reorient yourself around what's really important in your life. A human being you love and cherish will always win over any of the stuff you surround yourself with. Always!


  1. I have to say you are amazing! Was sitting here reading this to Darcy and enjoyed every minute of it.
    Love Lis

  2. Thanks so much, Lisa, for your kind words and comments. I'm thrilled that you are the very first person to leave a comment on my blog. I hope you'll read more, comment more, and keep up with what I write. Over time, I'll move away from our upcoming move to Maple Ridge, and I'll cover more of the relationship stuff between Chris and me. I hope whether you're gay or straight, readers will find something in my blog that resonates with them, validating what they already believe to be true, or showing them something they hadn't considered before. In the end, we are alike more than we are different, no matter who you choose to love.
    Love, Rick