Thursday, March 4, 2010

I Can't Imagine

Is it possible there's a single person on this earth who's prevented himself from falling in love because he's too scared to lose someone, either through a relationship breakup or through death?

Once in a while, I think about losing Chris.  I worry that he'll decide he no longer wants to be with me, or that he'll be killed in an accident.  And I'll be alone for the rest of my life.  During those times, I imagine what my life would be like without him, and I honestly don't know if I'd make it. I know lots of people have felt the same way, have faced devastating losses, and most have managed to move on with their lives, some even to find love again.

But I also know some haven't.  For them, the loss, the grief, the emptiness are so overwhelming that life never returns to normal.  So overcome are they by what has befallen them that to move on seems nothing less than a betrayal of the ones who had their hearts.  Their loss, grief, and emptiness remain endless.

I put myself in their position, and I wonder if I would fare any better.  I doubt it.  I can't imagine now that I would.  But here's something I know for sure.  Even if I lived the rest of my life in utter misery and despair, I can't imagine not having had the past eighteen years with Chris.  I can't imagine not allowing myself that time with one of the most amazing human beings on the planet--because I was too scared that I might lose him.

I'm so grateful that I opened my heart as wide as I could to accept love into it.  I'm so grateful that I've been blessed with so many days spent with Chris, experiencing so much together, knowing what it's like to love another human being that much.  Yes, I'd be a different person if he were no longer mine, but I'd be even more different if I'd never taken a chance on loving him in the first place.

Not accepting love is ten times, no, one hundred times, worse than never experiencing it at all.  That...I can't imagine.        


  1. Your last sentence sums it up so well. How true.

  2. Thanks, Wendy. I appreciate your comment.