Saturday, January 29, 2011

Reaching Out for Help in Indonesia

This morning, I received this comment from a young man in Indonesia.  It was attached to the "Karofsky" post.  While that post continues to receive a lot of traffic, I did not want this comment, or my response, to be lost to other readers of my blog.  I know someone else will read this and know he or she is not alone. And, hopefully, my response, as well as anything you wish to add, dear readers, will help those in distress, especially in other countries, where there is less acceptance for anyone who is LGBT.  Together, we truly can help each other.


Anonymous said...




First of all, I'm sorry for being an Anonymous on this comment.

Well, I'm a 22yo gay dude. I am an Indonesian. And from where I come from, being gay is totally 'wrong'. I can't find a better word to describe it, but the point is living a gay life here is like living a hell of a life.

Kurt Hummel and David Karofsky of Glee remind me of the time when I for the first time realized that there's something different with me. I felt in love with my classmate, but I just couldn't tell him because it was 'wrong'. Then I begun to push people away because I was too afraid to let them know about my sexuality.

I made a confession once in my church, and I didn't get better. People were keep bad-mouthing gay people 'this' and 'that'.

I come from a big family where all of them expect 'a lot' from me. They want me to be a bigger man in our family, the one who be the pride. I just can't tear them down by coming out of the closet. Especially after my beloved Dad died several months ago.

I never had a relationship before, so I don't know about how it feels like. Honestly, I need someone to lean to. To share my feelings, my joys, and my tears as well. I am young but I am lonely. Slowly but sure, suicide is getting closer to me. I know it's a 'wrong' thing to do too, but do I have any choices here?

I talked to the priest, someone that I thought was wise enough to give me some courage to keep struggling, and he gave me a greater sense of guilt. I talked to my friends and they gave nothing but 'Go to the hell, dude." words. I tried to talked to my family, and they wanted to find my future wife based on their taste instead. What else I could do? Where else I could run into?

I am just hoping that my society will be more open-hearted to the LGBT people. It's getting harder, you know, since the idea of banning same-sex relationship was brought to the public several days ago.


Here is my response:




Anonymous, thank you so much for your interest in my blog, and for having the courage to leave such a wonderful comment. I am so grateful for that.

First and foremost, I must tell you that you absolutely CANNOT consider suicide as an answer to what you are going through. Let me repeat that: YOU CANNOT CONSIDER SUICIDE AS AN ANSWER. You cannot. I hope that message has gotten through to you loud and clear. No matter how bad it gets, you must not commit suicide. 

I want you to take a look at the following links:

It Gets Better

Make It Better

Both of these websites are filled with life affirming videos for every LGBT person. You will find thousands of videos from people just like you who made the choice to live, despite what they went through.  Their stories will break your heart, but they will also inspire you. These are two of the BEST resources I know of on the Internet to help wonderful, loving people just like you. Promise me you'll take a look. 

Above all, I want you to know YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You may think you are, but you are not. I understand the situation you're in, because my own situation years ago was probably much like yours today. I understand your isolation, your loneliness, the feeling no one understands you. But we all do. Anyone who is LGBT understands you. And, if we can get through it, you can, too. I hung in there, despite all the bullying I took, all the hopelessness I felt, and my life is spectacular, in part, because I get to hear from people just like you, and I have the opportunity to share what I've learned.

Since January of this year, I've written about twenty posts intended to help gay people like you to recognize how they've allowed themselves to believe all the negative things said about gay people; to realize how our worth has been destroyed; and to learn how to begin loving themselves again. I strongly recommend you read some or all of these posts (as well as the attached comments). I know you will feel better if you do.

Finally, I know you'd like to turn to your church during this difficult time, but you must know you will not get the support there that you need. Instead, please use the Internet as a lifeline. There are so many LGBT people reaching out to you at this very moment, through their blogs, stories, and videos.

And please return to my blog often. It is my goal to help LGBT people to love themselves. I pray you will take that journey with us. 

Please keep writing me. I will help any way I can.

Remember, IT DOES GET BETTER. Hang in there.  


Postscript:


I have one more thing to add.  I know you may not understand this, given the situation you're in, but I want you to give it some thought.


Gay or straight, most people don't have the ability to change their environment. What goes on around them is often out of their control.  So they have to live with it, whether they like it or not.    


So it is for you.  


The only control you really have, if you choose to take it back, is how you feel about yourself.  Yes, the world around you influences that, especially now when you are young, when your family and your church tell you what you must be, and when you believe you must please everyone instead of yourself. But they do not have to control your mind.  


It takes a strong person to love himself in the face of an intolerable life.  You must have an enormous amount of determination not to allow other people's expectations of you to erode your sense of self-worth, to compromise what you know to be true about you.  But you can do it.


And you do it by knowing in your heart, despite everything else, that you are a wonderful human being and a cherished child of God.  God loves you just as you are, make no mistake about that.  In His eyes, you are perfect.  In His eyes, you deserve to love yourself.  Now, you must believe that, too.


Even in the most horrific of circumstances, as many human beings have proven over the centuries, you can love yourself.  You can believe in yourself.  You can believe in the promise of your future.  


Everything looks dismal now, but, if you begin to work on improving your self-esteem, on learning to love yourself, you will gain strength, either to follow through with what your family wants you to do (if that is the path you must take), or to strike out on your own and live the life that was meant to be yours. 

49 comments:

  1. I see your desire to fulfill expectations of others who you most probably love. Every parent, everyone who cares for you tries at some point to fill a person up with their perceived happiness. I think it is crucial to understand that ultimately you are the only person you have to worry about, whose happiness has to be number one goal. Yes, life can seem ruthless at times and like there is nothing to hold on for. But there is. The dawn of a new day! Life can get harder, but it always gets better. And as we grow, living life becomes easier and we will understand the joy of living more and more. I strongly advise you to turn towards something that you love: maybe books, music, a field of work you love. Put your love into something and you will find the strength to live in the world. Life can seem bad at times but the bad times are worth to live threw because there will always be moments when you feel the finest pleasures of living. And you will always have people like us here! People who care for you!

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  2. Dear Anonymous in Indonesia,
    Remember that your current situation is just a temporary one. You have the power to plan your life and make it better!! I agree with Rick. Use the Internet as your lifeline. While keeping in touch with Rick and his blog, try and find out about the gay community in large Indonesian cities, if you haven't already. I think you'll find that there many people not so far from you that can help. Of course it may be difficult to change your life instantly overnight, but with some planning you can move to a place where you can find a good life and a community of acceptance. Don't worry if people around you now do not understand. Believe in yourself, and start planning a happier future now! You can always visit Rick's blog for encouragement, anytime, and I hope you do! Your Canadian friends support you!

    this might be a good place to start...
    Gaya Nusantara is a gay rights group
    http://www.gayanusantara.or.id/

    Hotline
    Ingin konsultasi, curhat atau konseling?
    Telp. (031) 70970121
    Antara jam 9 pagi hingga 9 malam.
    Kontak: Andre atau Sam.

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  3. Dear Anonymous, please, please, please don't ever lose hope to the point that you consider suicide! As one of the people says in the It Gets Better Project videos that Rick linked to, "Don't kill yourself, you may be the man I'm supposed to marry!" As everyone has been saying, reach out through the internet, where you will find people here on this blog and elsewhere who know you are wonderful just the way you are. Also, as a parent (I, too, have a 22 year old son!) I need to tell you that although some of us parents like to plan out our kids' lives, it really isn't our business. It's our job as parents to raise you guys to be happy, healthy people who have the ability to make your own decisions. It is our job to start children, not finish them, that part is up to you. Sometimes parents think they can tell their kids what to do, where to live, what sort of person they should marry...but we shouldn't do that. If your mom does that, even though you love her very much, you may need to go where you feel you can live the life you want. This may sound selfish, but right now you need to just think about yourself, and what you can do (where you live? Where you work?) that will help you feel the most at peace. My own mom had very definite ideas about where I should live, what I should do, who I should marry. I didn't do any of the things she thought I should, but guess what? Everything worked out okay, and we still have a good relationship. Be who you want to be. If you can't do that where you are, get some information from the Indonesian links Doug put in his comment, and figure out where you should be. And remember, until you are happy and have taken care of yourself, you can't even begin to think about being responsible for others. Your mom will be fine (we moms are pretty tough, you know...after all, we gave birth to you big guys!) Love you, stay strong, bud!!

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  4. You know what I love about my blog? I love that in a short period of time, you and I created a community not only to support each other, but also to rally behind new readers trusting enough to tell their stories and to reach out for help. This is what the Internet is about; this is the magic of the Internet. Outstanding job, everyone. You should be proud of your contributions.

    elevencats, you surprise me. Not long ago, you wrote a few pretty desperate comments yourself. And now, look at you, encouraging Anonymous in Indonesia. You're amazing. Thank you so much for your words of kindness and hope.

    Doug, my sincere thanks for encouraging Anonymous to keep visiting my blog. You are quite right--we are here to help and support. And thanks for the practical information you provided. You went in a slightly different direction from elevencats, Sarah, and me, covering off on specific steps Anonymous can take using resources at hand. Great job.

    And Sarah, thanks for taking the perspective of the parent. Obviously, Anonymous feels some pressure from his mother and family to step up in the absence of his father, but your encouraging words will hopefully help him to sort through his feelings and arrive at the decision that works best for him. As always, you're amazing. Thanks again.

    I have one more word for Anonymous in Indonesia. I doubt that we in Canada understand the cultural pressures you are under in your country to fulfill your familial role--to be straight, to get married, to have children, to be the man of the house. In the end, only you can strike that balance between tradition and individuality, between what you must do and what you want to do. I hope you find what we offer here to be encouraging and helpful on your journey.

    Sometimes, all we need to a safe place to open our hearts and to say what's on our minds. I hope you know you have a safe place here, with people who care about what happens to you. Don't hesitate to write again if you just need to talk or if you need help. Our prayers are with you.

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  5. First of all, I am sorry for being Anonymous again on this comment. Yup, I was the one ho wrote that comment on ur earlier post about Karofsky. You can check the IP address, though, if you don't believe it. :)

    Well, I wanna say thank you for you and for your blog reader who gave me a kind of support here. I appreciate it. I never thought that my earlier post would be responded this way. It was great, guys. Thank you. :)

    As i moved from home years ago, I decided to learn more about my sexuality. I wanted to as much as I could about it. I wanted to know about how I could be a gay. I wanted to know about how I should 'respond' it. And son on. I read a lot of book, I watched a lot of movie, and I joined a lot of forum in the internet. Some of them were helpful. But, most of them were not. I mean why does gay-to-gay conversation have to include 'sexy-naughty-bitchy' words? I never talked to a gay without talking about our 'sex fantasy'. And, you can chew me on this, but I don't like it. What I want is a 'normal' conversation about this. I wish a lot people in my country were as wise as you guys to give me some courage. I already bookmarked some useful links here. Thanks to you again, Rick.

    Uhm, some people said that gay people have sensitivity in a higher level than the str8 dudes. I am totally agree with this. You know what, I feel sad about myself, I cry a lot, and I have a low self esteem. So, how do guys survive your youth? Did you ever feel the same way when you were in my age? Just 'enlighten' me here. Thanks.

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  6. Anonymous from Indonesia, thanks for leaving another comment.

    You wrote:
    I mean why does gay-to-gay conversation have to include 'sexy-naughty-bitchy' words? I never talked to a gay without talking about our 'sex fantasy'. And, you can chew me on this, but I don't like it.

    I could not agree more. I don't like it either. This is one of the things about gay men I dislike--the overemphasis on sex. It's not necessary. I'm happy to run a blog that doesn't do that, where you, and other people like you, can come to talk openly and expect respectful conversation in return.

    You write:
    I feel sad about myself, I cry a lot, and I have a low self esteem.

    I hope you will read more of the posts I've published here since the beginning of this year. I'm on a mission to help gay people recognize their low self-esteem and to learn to love themselves. I want this to be a positive and uplifting place to come. I'm sure you'll find something that will help you. There's no reason for you to be sad about yourself, to cry, or to have low self-esteem. Start loving yourself today. You deserve it.

    You write:
    How do guys survive your youth? Did you ever feel the same way when you were in my age?

    I'm way past my youth, so I can answer this one.
    If you read some of my other posts, you'll see how awful I felt about myself for many years--literally from the time I was in early grade school until I was in my early-30s. I was filled with self-loathing; I hated being gay and prayed continuously that I wasn't; and I was certain my future was bleak--that I'd be alone, lonely, and unhappy for the rest of my life.
    I survived my youth by putting one foot in front of the other, by going through the motions of life, day by day, by believing someday things would be better.
    At some point, I began to realize I didn't deserve to feel badly about myself or my life just because I was gay. I knew in my heart I was a good person, and whatever I was told about being gay wasn't true. I met wonderful gay people (and some straight) who loved and supported me just as I was. I knew I'd make it through after all.
    The hardest part for me was finding an amazing man to share my life with, because I didn't want to grow old alone. Remarkably, around the same time I began to realize I was a worthwhile person after all, I met Chris, my partner of the past nineteen years. What a blessing he has been in my life. I cannot imagine life without him.
    If I could leave you with just one message, it's this: YOU WILL MAKE IT. You absolutely will make it. You are young now and have no perspective on a full and happy life. You have to believe that if other gay people are happy, you will be, too.
    I don't know to what extent you are required to take on a traditional male role in your country, but I sincerely hope you can make the choices that are right for you, and live the life you were meant to have. You deserve to love yourself. You deserve to be happy. And I know if you hang in there, your life will work out just fine.
    I hope you will visit my blog often. I'll do everything I can to help you love yourself.
    All the very best, and please keep the conversation going.

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  7. There is a series in our national TV channel called "Üks mõte" ("One Thought"). This time there spoke a lady about her life as a young woman. She had few education and she moved far from her home to live with her aunt in the big city. Sadly no-one wanted to give a job to her because she was only 15 years old. And so her father wrote to her trying to say something comforting: "Pea püsti, kui perse põleb! (Hold your head high, when your ass is on fire.). It means never give up, hold your head high, be honest and hardworking and all in this life can be defeated.

    If anyone can speak Estonian or want to see the person with these smart words, here is a video: http://etv.err.ee/arhiiv.php?id=113763

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  8. It's important to have gay friends that you can really talk to about issues in your life. I know it took me a really long time even to accept myself as gay (I was 27!), let alone come out (32), because I did not have someone to discuss my feelings with. The Internet has really made all the difference. If you look hard enough, you can find people for meaningful conversation. Don't let it bother you that most gays seem to be all about looking cool and hooking up. It's just a way for them to try and build their self esteem (successfuly or not). The fact that Rick has created this blog, and we have all managed to find it, says there are many many people just like us. How awesome to live in the 21st century where Estonians, Indonesians, and Canadians can become friends without even leaving home!

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  9. @Elevancats:
    Thank you for encouraging me. Pea püsti, kui perse põleb! :)

    @Rick Modien:
    Uhm, I still don't have time to read all of your articles. But, I promise that I will. I watched some videos on ItGetsBetter.org that you told me b4, and I couldn't help myself crying in the end. A lot of people out there unfortunately faced worse past time than I did. One moral message that I learnt that night is that the pain is temporary and the strength is forever. Wish that I could find some more resources from the Internet to renew the way I look myself. Thank you again, Rick.

    @Doug and Jes:
    Thank you to you too. :)
    __________

    PS: Ehm, one question for today, When would you guys think I should come out? Sooner is better or not? And when you guys did come out of the closet, how did you do it? And more importantly, how did you live ur life after that?

    Regards.

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  10. elevencats, thank you for your comment on January 30. I don't want you to take this the wrong way, because I know the expression you shared with us is meant to be uplifting, but if my ass were on fire, I don't think I'd be holding my head up high. I'd have it turned around, looking at my ass, trying to figure out how to put out the fire. (I sure hope you're laughing now.)
    Anyway, I certainly understand the wisdom you're sharing with us, and I know it will help others.
    Thank you so much for your contribution to what we're trying to do here.

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  11. Doug, what a great comment. Thanks so much for sharing personal details about accepting yourself and coming out. You've proven self-acceptance can take a long time, and coming out can take even longer. The time frames are truly different for every gay man.

    You wrote:
    Don't let it bother you that most gays seem to be all about looking cool and hooking up. It's just a way for them to try and build their self esteem (successfuly or not).

    Amen. Absolutely. So many gay men are absorbed in their physical appearance and in scoring, and, as far as I can tell, it's all an attempt to improve how they feel about themselves from the outside. What they don't realize is they may feel better about who they are temporarily, but the hard internal work still needs to be done to really get anywhere.

    And thanks for your reassuring words to Anonymous in Indonesia. Without your involvement in this community we've created, something might not get said that should be, something that could be genuinely helpful.

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  12. Anonymous from Indonesia, thanks for leaving your newest comment above. I'm glad the It Gets Better videos were helpful. And, as far as other resources open to you, keep looking. You'll find nearly everything you need on the Internet. Use Google as your search engine, and go for it.

    About the questions at the end of your comment, here are my answers:

    You wrote:
    When would you guys think I should come out? Sooner is better or not?

    Honestly, no one can tell you when the right time for you to come out is. It's different for everyone. First, you need to accept yourself enough to take that big step. You need to be prepared for the reaction you might get from your family (on the other hand, they might accept you right away with no difficulty). I think you'll know when the time is right. In the meantime, search the Internet for coming out stories. You'll get all kinds of ideas on how to do it-- including in person, over the phone, by letter, etc.

    You wrote:
    And when you guys did come out of the closet, how did you do it? And more importantly, how did you live ur life after that?

    I wrote a detailed account of my coming out story right here in my blog on September 17, 2009. Here is the link: http://thisgayrelationship.blogspot.com/2009/09/coming-out.html. Just copy it and paste it into the address bar at the top of your computer.
    You'll find everything you're looking for there, including what life was like for me after I came out.

    During this process, please remember I and my readers are here for you. We'll support you in any way we can.

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  13. To Rick
    After I posted my letter I started to understand that I had just translated an idiom. But the meaning was so strong that I just couldn't help myself.



    PS!

    There is another wonderful resource: http://www.imfromdriftwood.com/
    This is growing and holds some incredible stories. And the idea is superb!

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  14. Just read an awful story about an Indonesian singer or actor who was sent to jail for 3 years for making a sex tape, and I immediately thought of anonymous, and the difficulties he may be facing in Indonesia. I guess the biggest question I have for anonymous (and I apologize for my ignorance here) is whether you are in a place where it is safe for you to come out? Can you tell the guys here on this blog what it's like in Indonesia for gay men, and where (city, country?) you are?

    Also, I'd like to suggest that you pick a name to use here, like elevencats...just a thought!

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  15. Thank you so much, elevencats, for sharing I'm from Driftwood with me and my readers. I've just watched a number of videos and read a few testimonies, and, no doubt, these will be enormously helpful. I'm sure they've helped you and will do the same for Anonymous in Indonesia.
    Hang in there, everyone. It really is all right to be gay. Whatever you're going through, you'll make it. Yes, you will.
    Thank you again.

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  16. Sarah, thanks for making your requests of Anonymous in Indonesia. I'm curious about everything you ask, too.
    According to Wikipedia, homosexuality is legal in Indonesia (except for Muslims in a specific province), but relationships and adoptions are not recognized, and there's little other support to prevent discrimination, hate crimes, etc.
    My biggest fear is we'll give advice appropriate for someone who lives in Canada but not necessarily elsewhere in the world.
    And, yes, Anonymous in Indonesia, please provide us with another name. I receive a number of comments from people who go by Anonymous, and keeping them separate is becoming an increasing challenge. Thanks.
    And thanks again, Sarah.

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  17. Yes, the driftwood site found by Elevencats is a good one! I also enjoyed reading Rick's coming out story. You certainly did it with a lot of courage, Rick! I actually came out to my parents by letter... I was living far from them (they were in Canada and I was in Hawaii) and I thought a letter would give me time to explain everything, including how much I love them, while giving them time to think about the news. Funnily enough they said they were surprised to learn I was gay. I guess the people closest to you are the last to realize. But they supported me completely. My Dad wouldn't talk about my being gay, or my boyfriend at the time, for a number of years. But eventually it became just a normal fact of life for him too. For Anonymous in Indonesia, I would advise coming out only if it is safe, and if you are able to deal with negative reactions that may arise. If the time is right, coming out can be a huge feeling of relief and personal acceptance. I'm sure you'll benefit from it when the time comes!

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  18. Doug, thanks for sharing with me and my readers some of the personal details of your coming out story. They will make a difference in someone else's life.
    And your advice to Anonymous in Indonesia is sound and heartfelt. It's never an easy experience for any of us, but I truly believe it's necessary, when the time is right and when the circumstances are right, to be a total human being.
    I just want to make one more point here. Despite how difficult coming out for me was in 1986, I'm so grateful I did it. There is no substitute for coming out. It was a tough, tough experience, but, in the end, as I've witnessed with so many people, it's by far the best thing we could ever do. It really is the beginning of the rest of your life.

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  19. Hi everyone. This is me, again. Sorry, I couldn't pick a better name. :) I'll use Aries_Boy as my ID here, may I?

    @Sarah:
    Ariel Peterpan (or later was called as Ariel Peter-porn) was sent to jail because he didn't show any regret. And our culture is a way too sensitive about sex-scandal. Even our President should intervene to mediate 'the chaos' caused by the outbreak of the video. Well, I believe that from great power comes great responsibility. And as a big star, he just failed on it. So, proper punishment should be imposed to him. #IMHO

    @All:
    Now, I live in Jakarta. I don't know how to describe the real condition here cause I don't know a lot about it actually. In some big provinces, such as Jakarta and Bali, you'll find a lot of gay people and gay communities as well. But still, we can't be as open as you guys in Canada or USA. As the biggest Moslem country with a conservative culture, our society is still unable to accept the existence of LGBT people. Simply put, we're the second class people here. It will be better for us to stay in the closet, str8 act.

    Btw, in my new office, I have a senior who love to 'tease' me. He always said that the way I walk is totally like a girl. My voice sometimes sound as soft as a girl's. I am as shy as a girl. And so on. Recently, I have rarely met him. The fact is I always try to avoid him. More people began to 'observe' me. The way they looked me is like dealing with a deadly virus that should be banished from the earth.

    Probably that is the easiest way to describe a gay lives here. You are (rarely) treated badly for being gay. But, people will still judge you as scum. You call it love, but they call it lust. And so on.

    Maybe my explanation here is too short for you guys to get the big picture about the real condition in Indonesia nowadays, but I will write you later with more information about it.

    Thank you guys. See you again tomorrow. :)

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  20. Aries Boy is a good name! You know, I bet there are plenty of places in Canada and the States that are similar to what you're describing in your office, where people give gays funny looks or make "jokes," but don't actually abuse them. And as far as I know, in the States at least (not in Canada) you can still be fired for being gay, and that's why they're trying to get ENDA (employment non-discrimination act) passed.

    I'm glad for your sake that you're in a big city, I would think that will make things easier for you than if you were in a smaller town (same here in Canada, and in the US!) I'm just about to start volunteering at a place that has weekly "get togethers" (social evenings) for young people, the ages range from 14 to 25, and it definitely is not about dating or hooking up, but is just a chance for young people to have a place where they can socialize and feel safe. I wonder if there's something like that where you are? It sounds like it would be nice for you to be able to just socialize and have a chance to talk to people who are going through the same thing you are, without the pressure of hooking up that you described in the online chatting you were doing.

    I look forward to seeing your posts, see you soon!

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  21. Great name Aries Boy, very strong and outgoing! I'm also glad to hear that you are in a big city where you have many opportunities to meet the right people. It is very interesting to hear about your life in Indonesia, and maybe Elevencats can fill us in on Estonia too.

    Dealing with teasing in the office can be hard. Try preparing a smart but not offensive reply like, "I thought we are supposed to be working, not watching each other walk." (I'm sure you can think of something better : ). Just because one guy likes to tease you does not mean that everyone is judging you. Focus on the people who are fair-minded and friendly, and just be business-like with everyone else. Doing your job well, helps a lot too!

    You'll have to keep us posted on your volunteer experience as well, Sarah!

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  22. Part One

    My thanks to you, Aries Boy, Sarah, and Doug, for your latest comments.

    I believe in a previous comment, Doug said one of the characteristics of low self-esteem is apologizing, especially all the time. So, Aries Boy, no need to apologize about the name you selected. Believe me, it's at least as good as any on the Internet. You decided to use it, it represents you, and that's good enough for us.

    Sarah raises a really good point, Aries Boy, about likely similarities between what it's like to be gay where you live, and and what's it's like to be gay in small cities and town in Canada or the United States. On December 31, I wrote six paragraphs on a post I called "Small Town Canada," which I never finished or published. But I talked about how I worry about gay boys and lesbian girls growing up in places where their spirits are broken by the bullying, the isolation, and the loneliness; about the sheer courage they must possess to get through every day of their lives; and about the damage done to their self-esteem by the time they graduate from high school, and what the legacy of that will be for years to come.

    The inspiration for this post came from "Xtra!," Canada's Gay and Lesbian Newspaper. Here's part of what I wrote: 'The December 30, 2010, issue of "Xtra" reports two fifteen-year-old lesbian girls were in love with each other. Jeremy Hainsworth writes the two teens '...were very open about their relationship but were banned from going to a school dance together.... "They wouldn't let us in as a couple," she says, adding straight couples were being let in for a lower price. "We were very upset," she says. "I paint, so I painted Gay Pride on two T-shirts, and we wore them around the school. Some people would stare at us, some people would glare, some people would whistle," she says [p. 10].' One of the teens was found dead on November 27, 2010, her body discovered on an unused logging road off Highway 27 about 22 kilometers north of Vanderhoof. The death is still unsolved.

    Please see Part Two

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  23. Part Two

    The point I'm trying to make here, Aries Boy, is I understand what you're going through, how you feel safer not coming out, trying to fit in, passing yourself off as straight. But I want you to know things are not great for every gay or lesbian young person in Canada either. I know from personal experience what you're going through, and so do so many young people today.

    Do you know if your workplace has a policy whereby harassment of gay people is not tolerated? I ask only because if being gay in Indonesia is legal, then some companies have to be progressive enough to recognize the benefit to their business of ensuring gays and lesbians are not harassed. Obviously, if you're made to feel badly about yourself, the work you do could be compromised, and that would not be good for your employer.

    As Sarah suggests, surely, in the city where you live, there are organizations for gay people, places where you can safely meet and connect on a social basis, so you don't feel so alone. Is there a gay area of town, where gays and lesbians go and not feel like they will be targeted? The gay community has to be located somewhere, has to congregate somewhere. I'm sure if you look on the Internet, you'll find it.

    Doug has some great ideas for how to handle your workplace, too. I did not have completely supportive people in every branch I worked in during the '80s and '90s. But there were always a few who liked me just as I was, who befriended me, who were open to me talking openly about myself, and who supported me. I gravitated to these people, and they made my work experience so much more rewarding. Seek out those people. And seek out other people where you work who are also gay. I bet there are at least one or two, depending on how large your office is.

    Again, my thanks to everyone for keeping the conversation going, and for supporting Aries Boy. Together, we truly can make a difference.

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  24. I love checking in on this blog every day...how cool is it that all of us, in different places and countries are coming together to share ideas? Thanks, Rick!

    Doug and Jess...when it rains it pours...there are actually 2 groups now, one I'm meeting with tomorrow night, where they may need some adult support while getting GSAs going, and the youth group one, very exciting! I'll definitely keep you posted, and ask for advice, no doubt!

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  25. Hey, I have to thank all of my readers for creating this community, Sarah. I only put the ideas out there. What all of you bring to the table is so much more than I could ever have hoped for. This blog truly is a cool place to be, and I'm thrilled you're all on board to share the experience with me.

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  26. Thank you guys for all of your supports. I appreciate it. :)

    @ Sarah:
    When i was in the college, there was a secret community for the LGBT Students. But, like I said b4, I wasn't interesting to join. First of all because they were full of students who love partying, clubbing, and so on. Simply put, they were so hedonists. I couldn't adapt myself to their lifestyle.
    I believe there are some positive communities out there. But I don't like hang around. I'm too shy. Even since childhood, I'm used to be alone. :(

    @Doug:
    Definitely, I'm doing my best now in my job. At least, someone would finally have to appreciate my achievement, right? I am gay, but I am more than just a gay. I could be a professional too. :)

    @Rick:
    You always confirm me that being gay is legal in Indonesia. I don't know exactly what your point is. All I can say now is that I don't need law protection. All I need is an acceptance of who I really am, no matter what. The law may protect me from bad treatments regarding issue of my sexual orientation. But as long as I am not accepted in the society, It won't do anything good to me. I need the heart of this people.

    @ All:
    Overall, I'm not a native speaker. So, please forgive me for the messy grammars. I hope you do understand about what I wrote before. Thank you. GOD bless you all.

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  27. Aries Boy, it sounds like you are already heading in the right direction! You're smart and you know what kind of friends you want. Just believe in yourself, and create your own circle of friends one at a time. The current culture in Indonesia may be challenging, but there are good people (gay and straight) everywhere, waiting for you to find them. Try to imagine how much better everything will be in 10 or 20 years. The world is changing faster than you think!

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  28. Thanks, Aries Boy, for your comment of today.

    I identify with what you wrote to Sarah. I've rarely fit in to gay clubs and organizations for the exact reason you identify. The good news is, if you're not comfortable with the kind of people you describe, you don't need to associate with them. Strike out on your own, and you will always respect yourself for making the right decision for you.

    That said, I think connecting with other people who are gay and who you respect would be extremely helpful to you. Yes, many of us gay men like to be alone because we're so used to being alone. We appreciate our company more than anyone else does. But I recommend keeping yourself open to the possibility of befriending another gay man like you if you should meet one. Just knowing you're not alone and have someone you can turn to when things get tough would make a big difference in your life.

    You are quite right in what you said to Doug. Not only are you gay and a professional, but you are also a human being. In fact, in all cases, you are a human being first. This is important to keep in mind when it comes to how you feel about yourself, because you are entitled to all the wonderful things all human beings are, regardless of your sexual orientation, such as respect, dignity, love, etc. Very important not to lose sight of this.

    Finally, the reason why I mention homosexuality is legal in Indonesia is because, at the very least, your country officially recognizes gay people. I imagine you situation would be even worse if homosexuality were illegal. Also, I assume wherever homosexuality is legal, various companies, etc. put laws in place to ensure gay people are not harassed and discriminated against. That's why I asked about your workplace. But, you are right, you would still like the acceptance of the people you encounter.

    Until that happens, I hope you are not held back from respecting and loving yourself. First and foremost, the acceptance you need is from yourself, because, if you have that, you will have the strength you need to deal with the things that come your way without compromising how you feel about yourself. I hope this makes sense.

    Thanks again for your comment, and I'm sure I speak on behalf of all of us that we understand you just fine. Your use of the English language is better than you think.

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  29. As always, Doug, good, common sense advice for Aries Boy and anyone else in a similar situation.
    Thanks for contributing.

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  30. The gay situation in Estonia

    Firstly, homosexuality has never been criminalized when our country has been a republic. When the Soviet occupation began, the laws of the union expanded to Estonia. The law criminalized homosexual activity between two men. And when we gained independence in 1991, the law stating homosexual activity to be illegal was removed.


    During the occupation we lived a life of norm stated by those who were in command. You could feel safe, if you would obey and be friends with everyone. And if not, your life could become a living hell.

    The norm has not yet been erased from our minds. It is common belief that the only family that can be happy consists of a biological father and mother. Still our country has moved on tremendously. We are now part of European Union which gives our country the duty to honor every human being. In 2009 a new law came into force that prohibits discrimination also by sexual preference at our workplace.

    And yet, it has always remained a taboo subject. Never to be spoken about, never to be accepted. Luckily young people are more open-minded to new ideas and especially to the idea of love. That if a person loves someone, it is the greatest gift and it has to be accepted. The common position is that, if n homosexual is talented and has a great part to play in the well-being of the country, his simple flaw is not important. Homosexuality is often spoken about as a handicap. Hence, giving the basis to prohibit homosexuals to adopt children. (Though a gay man or a woman can adopt a child when she/he is single.) Common knowledge is that homosexuals have sex with countless of men, are overly feminine and have high risk of cancer and HIV infection.

    So if a person wants to survive in Estonia as a gay individual, he needs to be talented (the first, the best) and with a strong character to keep a smile on your face when words are said and actions taken against this sic individual. It seems to be natural to make the gay feel bad about himself, because he is nothing more than dirt.

    Still some people have given the basis for the possibility of a partnership law. There are great examples of same-sex people who are talented and therefore accepted by the community. The situation is good but most definitely it can get better if gay people live their lives openly. More importantly, live their lives caring for themselves and others. It will not be easy to expand our rights, but every teardrop, wrinkle and scar is worth to give us the hope that a new day will be lighter and happier.

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  31. The following was received in my email from elevencats but not attached here.

    The gay situation in Estonia

    Firstly, homosexuality has never been criminalized when our country has been a republic. When the Soviet occupation began, the laws of the union expanded to Estonia. The law criminalized homosexual activity between two men. And when we gained independence in 1991, the law stating homosexual activity to be illegal was removed.


    During the occupation we lived a life of norm stated by those who were in command. You could feel safe, if you would obey and be friends with everyone. And if not, your life could become a living hell.

    The norm has not yet been erased from our minds. It is common belief that the only family that can be happy consists of a biological father and mother. Still our country has moved on tremendously. We are now part of European Union which gives our country the duty to honor every human being. In 2009 a new law came into force that prohibits discrimination also by sexual preference at our workplace.

    And yet, it has always remained a taboo subject. Never to be spoken about, never to be accepted. Luckily young people are more open-minded to new ideas and especially to the idea of love. That if a person loves someone, it is the greatest gift and it has to be accepted. The common position is that, if n homosexual is talented and has a great part to play in the well-being of the country, his simple flaw is not important. Homosexuality is often spoken about as a handicap. Hence, giving the basis to prohibit homosexuals to adopt children. (Though a gay man or a woman can adopt a child when she/he is single.) Common knowledge is that homosexuals have sex with countless of men, are overly feminine and have high risk of cancer and HIV infection.

    So if a person wants to survive in Estonia as a gay individual, he needs to be talented (the first, the best) and with a strong character to keep a smile on your face when words are said and actions taken against this sic individual. It seems to be natural to make the gay feel bad about himself, because he is nothing more than dirt.

    Still some people have given the basis for the possibility of a partnership law. There are great examples of same-sex people who are talented and therefore accepted by the community. The situation is good but most definitely it can get better if gay people live their lives openly. More importantly, live their lives caring for themselves and others. It will not be easy to expand our rights, but every teardrop, wrinkle and scar is worth to give us the hope that a new day will be lighter and happier.

    Posted by elevencats to This Gay Relationship at February 2, 2011 3:16 PM

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  32. elevencats, thank you so much for your detailed description of what being homosexual in Estonia is like.

    A few comments:

    You seem to have a predicament where the country as a whole is more advanced than the people who live there. Now, the people need to catch up, making the choice to look at gay people as the wonderful human beings we are. (We have that a little in Canada too, where the country legalized gay marriage years ago, but many religious types did not approve of it. Fortunately, over the past few years, the world didn't come to an end just because gay couples were married.)

    I think it's interesting there's an attitude you can offset the sick, bad, awful things about being gay with the good and positive things of being an upstanding citizen. I can only imagine how that must encourage gay people to be more respectable citizens on the outside, while forcing less desirable behavior underground.

    I think young people will be our salvation, in your country and mine. While some young people are still being brainwashed by their parents to hate gay people, many realize what their parents say is wrong. The same is true here in Canada as well. Every succeeding generation becomes more open-minded and more accepting. It's only a matter of time.

    Wow! Gay people are no better than dirt? Imagine how that would make you feel about yourself if you lived in that type of environment. What a hit to the self-esteem.

    I think great examples of open, upstanding, talented, compassionate, community-minded gay people blaze the trail for all of us. All the more reason why each of us in our own communities must set a great example of how terrific gay people really are. What we do today will make a difference for future generations of gay people.

    Thanks for taking the time to write this post and for sharing it with us. And thanks for the suggestion, Doug.

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  33. I think it's amazing that Estonia had no law against homosexuality until the Soviet occupation, and then removed it immediately upon independence. You should be very proud of your country, Elevencats. Canada only decriminalized homosexuality in 1969. You are also very fortunate to be a part of the EU, which has been very strong in establishing gay rights. But as you say, just because there is a law to protect you, does not mean you will be fully accepted by society. It takes time for average people to become educated about our issues. Just look at the anti-gay sentiment in the United States. Full gay marriage seemed like a dream just 10 years ago, and now it is recognized in 10 countries (and several US states). So we are witnessing the birth of a new era. I'm sure that in 10 or 20 years, gay people in Estonia will enjoy much more equality in society. Who knows, gay unions might even reach your country before they are recognized by the US federal government.

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  34. The gay situation in Estonia is quite similar to the situation I have here in Indonesia. As a developing country, we are trying to combat every form discrimination. But, we're still attached to our conservative norms and values as well. Which is means it's just a small step forward on a long way to go.

    Maybe I could sue those who were harassing me, but this would exploit my life to the whole public. And you know what, when you come out with this kind of issue, people would easily prejudge you as the one who is merely looking for a popularity and so on.

    A year ago, we were shocked by a gay who killed six of his exes due to his 'unstable' emotion. He buried them in his parents backyard. Then the news started to exploit how far gay people have fall into the darkness. They exploit our 'extreme' need of SEX as if we were born to be pervert or something. They kept telling to public that gay people could be dangerous for the environment. His case just sets us a bad image, again.

    I never know an openly gay here. I mean some of our celebrities are gay, but they never officially come out of the closet. The risks are too big. The only way that protect them from the harassment or other negative responds from the society is their exclusive life. They live in a apartment to avoid the social interaction. They build walls, not the bridge. And as far I can tell, it won't be helpful at all. I'm sick of people who keep underestimating gay people. It just makes us even more closed to the society.

    Btw, when I write my opinions in this blog, I'd like you all to not generalize all of the people in my country. I mean there are still a lot of them who are supporting us. But the point is some of them are still can't be standing in our shoes.

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  35. Thank you, Aries Boy, for providing additional details about what it's like to be gay in Indonesia. You have helped us all to have a better understanding of what you go through on a daily basis, and that's partly what this blog has become--a place for us to understand each other better.
    Sure, there are always unfortunate examples of gay people who do us a disservice because of what they are like as people, or how they conduct themselves in their lives. But I have always believed each one of us, including you, is a daily example of what being gay is really like. Each of us is the face of gay wherever we live. We must live our lives in an upstanding way.
    Remember, everything you do makes a difference not only in how people look at you but how they look at gay people in general. Love yourself, live your life with dignity, and show people just how worthy of their respect you are.
    Our revolution is a slow one, a single person at a time, a single good example at a time. Slow but surely, we win people over, and the change we've always wanted is ours.

    Thanks again.

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  36. I think the media can often make things worse for gay people. Every story has to be sensationalized. But sometimes it helps us, like the coverage of gay teen suicides, which led to a lot of support from the general public. Everything you read in the media should be put into perspective. I try to limit my time reading news, and always try to read positive stories too!

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  37. @Doug and Jess:
    Yup, every story has two sides. It personally depends on our perspective to digest the story. Recently, I try to limit my time reading news too. There's so much hurt that mass media offers. Corruption, natural disaster, murder, and so on. Btw, do you have some recommended movies or books? Something that you think encouraging and motivating. I'd like to watch some movies and read some books in this weekend. Thanks.

    @Rick:
    Wish me luck to be a good example. With you and your readers supports, I wish I could.

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  38. Aries Boy, resolve to be a good example. You can do it. It's all about the choices you make. Be sure your choices are always true to who you really are, and you'll never go wrong.
    Thanks for your comment.

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  39. Aries Boy, I'd like to recommend you something to read or watch! What kinds of movies or books have you loved in the past? I know a certain book/movie may be too light for some, while being too heavy for others.

    If you just want something fun and happy to watch try Muriel's Wedding. Muriel is a plain dejected girl with no interests but listening to ABBA. Then she decides to pursue her childish vision of getting married, and discovers along the way that her real dream is something else. In the end she realizes that her life has become even better than an ABBA song.
    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0110598/
    Not a serious movie but fun!

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  40. Aries Boy...I just finished a book by Wade Rouse called "At least in the city someone would hear me scream", it's hilarious, but really touching, too, as this "city boy" moves to the country with his partner and begins a writing career. It's about following your dreams, and how lucky he feels to have found a life partner, but it is also one of the funniest books I've read. Do you have a Kindle? It's available on Kindle. You may be able to download it from an ebooks site. You also might like The Commitment by Dan Savage, about what happened before he and his husband decided to get married.

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  41. Sarah, by his partner, do you mean his gay male partner? I'm always looking for literature by gay male writers about gay characters.
    Not sure if you've seen the movie "A Single Man," but it was great. I bought the book, by Christopher Isherwood, prior to seeing the movie and thoroughly enjoyed it. Afterward, I placed a Post-it in front of me on my writing table, saying, Write Your Own "A Single Man," to inspire me while I worked on my novel. I'd be thrilled to write a book like that.
    Thanks for your advice to Aries Boy. I hope he's still checking in, where people care about what happens to him. I think I'll have to check out the book you recommended, too.

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  42. Hi Rick, yes, his name is Gary. You know how on Amazon (worst sentence construction ever...) they will suggest similar books when you are looking at a certain subject? I was buying a book on the experiences young men and women had had before they came out (trying be a little more knowledgeable before volunteering with that youth group), and Wade Rouse's book popped up, so I bought it (love my Kindle!) It was seriously laugh out loud funny, but very touching, too. I went ahead and read the other 2 that are available on Kindle (his first, America's Boy, isn't), one is his account of working at a prep school, which seemed kind of silly at first, but about a third of the way in, went much deeper, it was just so sad (how he felt he had to hide who he was there) in parts. The other one is about holidays with his and his partner Gary's families. I liked it a lot too. Have you read Dan Savage's The Commitment, or The Kid? They're both great.
    Thanks for the advice on A Single Man, I haven't seen it yet, but now I plan to! (And I didn't realize it was a book, too, I'll look for it.)
    The only fiction I've read by a male gay writer (have read lots of Rita Mae Brown!) are the mysteries by Josh Lanyon. I love mysteries, and I think I found those on a mystery book blog ages ago.
    Happy reading!

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  43. Thanks for the clarification, Sarah.
    No, I haven't read anything by Dan Savage. We own "Skipping Towards Gomorrah," a book Savage wrote in 2002, and I know Chris read it, but I haven't. So many times I've picked up his books, but I've always put them back down. On your recommendation, I may finally have to give one or more a chance.
    Anyway, have I got a book for you. I read it about a year and a half ago, and I was deeply moved by it. I think you'd find it most helpful with your volunteering. It's called "Crisis: 40 Stories Revealing the Personal, Social, and Religious Pain and Trauma of Growing Up Gay in America." Edited in part by Mitchell Gold, one half owner of the Mitchell Gold + Bob Williams furniture company out of the U.S. (they manufacture furniture for Pottery Barn, among others), this book is the real deal. It features stories of well-known gay men and lesbian women of their experiences growing up gay, and the stories are in their own words. Some are utterly heart-breaking. I could really relate to many of these personal essays. I know you'd find this material useful.
    By the way, "A Single Man" would be considered gay literature. There's a lot of junk out there--a lot of gay books emphasizing sex, sex, and more sex--but this is not an example of it. It's beautifully and affectingly written. Very spare. A gay classic for sure. The movie was a stunner, but the book, as always, is so much better.
    Thanks again. I appreciate it.

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  44. Wow, if I were immodest, I'd say great minds think alike...that Crisis book is the one I got from Amazon!! I just finished it a couple of weeks ago, and that's the one where the Wade Rouse recommendation came up! It seemed to have the best reviews, and I'm so glad it's what you would have recommended, too.

    I'm looking forward to reading A Single Man, it sounds wonderful. Thanks for mentioning it, because I didn't even know it was a book, as well as the movie...
    (don't worry, the Wade Rouse books don't have any sex in them, once or twice he says, "we had sex, and then we did yard work," or something, but that's as graphic as it gets...it's just very funny and very touching, I think you'll like it. Start with the "at least in the city" one.)
    As far as Dan Savage's books go, I loved the baby one, maybe since I've had kids, but I think I learned the most in The Commitment. It follows more of a time line, whereas "skipping" jumps around a lot. You might like the Commitment best, as it deals with what makes a relationship, how he and his husband approach things differently at times, how their families were...it's really good. (And Terry won't let him discuss their sex life in print!)

    I had my interview today for the youth group, and I'll start on the 21st. I asked her if I could ask you (and Doug, or anyone else who wants to chime in) for advice, as long as I kept names/specifics out of it, and she said sure, so that's good to know.

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  45. Sarah, I can't believe you've read "Crisis" already. Wow! I loved that book (in case I didn't make that clear before). I'm sure you'll find it helpful in your volunteering.
    And, speaking of volunteering, congratulations. You must be so excited. I can't wait to hear from you about how it goes, and to support you in any way I can. As the French say, bon chance.
    Savage's "The Commitment" sounds like the one I should try. I don't envision myself as a parent, so I'm not sure about "The Kid."
    I'll have to check out the Wayne Rouse books, too. It's not that I don't want to read books with sex in them, it's that I don't want to read books exclusively about sex, which many books intended for gay men are--as though we have nothing else going on. I get frustrated that's the image we seem to have in the media--that we're having sex all the time. As far as I'm concerned, sex is not what being gay is about. There's so much more to it than that.
    Thanks for the comment and the recommendations.

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  46. Well, my limited experience with those kind of books (the gay reader/all sex ones) is that they are equivalent to steamy romance novels directed at women, which is apparently a huge industry. I can't remember what book website mentioned the Josh Lanyon ones, but the two that I read were pretty decent mysteries, and there was a bit of sex in them, but that wasn't the focus of the book. I have to be careful with mysteries, as I could read them all day, and now have told myself I can only read certain authors...a sort of literary 12 step program, I guess!

    David Sedaris is good, too...

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  47. Sarah, I've never read a gay mystery before. As a rule, I don't gravitate to mysteries, but I've certainly read some in the past. I should get back to them and leave literary novels for a bit.
    I just finished "The Lonely Polygamist," by Brady Udall. After I bought it, I wondered what the hell I'd done. I have no interest in polygamists, so I thought I'd never make a point of reading this one. I'm glad I did, though. It was beautifully written, helped me to understand the whole concept of polygamy (I still don't agree with it), and the characters were wonderfully compelling. I read it only because "Entertainment Weekly" picked in as the #1 book for 2010. I was not disappointed.
    I've read some of David Sedaris's work and loved it. Definitely need to read more.
    Wonderful to hear from you again.

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  48. Hey Guys
    this is the first time i have seen or read your blog and its amazing.
    i am an older(not old lol) australian male who has an indonesian partner.
    he is going through all of these feelings right now about family,church,social environments etc.
    personally i was married with 2 children and part of a very strict religous cult and i came out 10 years ago.
    in doing so i lost all of my family my then friends and my children BUT it is the best thing i ever did.
    i felt like a huge stone had been lifted off my shoulders.
    i agree with all the comments about not being alone that there is help out there all we have to do is have the courage to ASK.
    in my case i will not force my man to come out because it has to be a personal choice and no one should force us to do so.
    i will stand by him no matter what and encourage,listen and most of all love him more for what he is going through.
    keep up the good work on this blog.
    cheers
    J

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  49. Hi, J., and welcome to the community of caring people I've created here through my blog. It's great to hear from you, and I appreciate you having the courage to share details about your life and your relationship.

    I can't allow this opportunity to go by without commenting about what you had to go through to be authentically yourself. I think the biggest problem many gay people have about coming out and being themselves--other than coming to terms with their sexual orientation--is risking the possibility they'll lose everyone who loves them.

    Of course, there is always the chance that will happen, but, honestly, if it does, after you've been brave enough to present to people for the first time who and what you really are, then you have to question if they truly loved you in the first place.

    You are a great example of staying true to yourself at all cost, dealing with the fallout of that, and moving on. As you suggested, you are much better off now than if you had pretended to be what everyone else wanted you to be. You have my admiration and respect. What you went through is not an easy thing.

    I'm not sure if you saw the most recent follow-ups to this blog post, when Aries Boy, the Indonesian fellow for whom I wrote this post, wrote again after several months to say he was really going through some rough stuff. As a result, I wrote a series of posts intended to support him and anyone going through the same thing.

    Please take a look at "Love is Why We're Here," dated June 27, 2011, and "Responses to a Comment about Self-Acceptance," dated June 30, 2011. Perhaps your partner would benefit from seeing these, too. The difficulties he's going through sound very similar to those of Aries Boy, and I'm hopeful some of what I've written since January of this year will be helpful to him in terms of accepting and loving himself.

    Thanks for stopping by, for contributing to the conversation on this subject, and for your kind words about what I'm trying to do here. I hope you'll visit often and feel comfortable to leave comments.

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