What can you do if you are thirty and, turning the corner of your own street, you are overcome, suddenly, by a feeling of bliss--absolute bliss!--as though you'd suddenly swallowed a bright piece of that late afternoon sun and it burned in your bosom, sending out a little shower of sparks into every particle, into every finger and toe?...
--Katherine Mansfield, "Bliss"
Yesterday was not good. My sleep was cut short for no reason, I felt out of sorts, and I was overwhelmed with so many reasons to be unhappy.
So what did I do? I stewed about it at first, scaring myself, until I remembered the best place to turn, as always, was my journal. Recording everything I felt, including an itemized list of why I felt unhappy, allowed me to take a hard look at what was on my mind. And, as usual, once it was all down on paper, I discovered it was "much ado about nothing"-- for the most part, anyway.
How different two days can be.
While making entree salads for dinner late this afternoon, I cleaned and cut and chopped, while Chris worked in the yard under a cool, grey sky. I looked up once in a while, glancing out the large kitchen window, into the backyard, and saw him repot several plants that didn't winter well. He dumped the contents of the pots, preserved the essence of the plants, lovingly cleaned them up, and gave them new homes in new potting soil mix. A simple task, really, but one filled with exquisite beauty, because Chris was doing it, and because he was in his glory doing it, and because I was in my glory watching him do it.
Music playing in the background, our plates filling with the makings of salads, the love of my life just outside, tending to our garden, I felt that tingle run up my spine. You know the one. Everyone feels it now and then. All at once, it's there, unexpectedly, and you awaken, shiver, overcome with pure bliss. And you know in your heart you're exactly where you want to be, doing exactly what you want to do, taking in all that is your life and acknowledging, without a doubt, it doesn't get any better than this. Your soul is utterly filled with the deepest satisfaction, with ultimate well-being, and the realization these are indeed the best days of your life.
Thanks for sharing a nice moment from your daily life, Rick! I think it's really important to have the ability to stop and realize how lucky we are sometimes. It's usually the small moments that make life worth living. The trick is to appreciate them as they are happening : )
ReplyDeleteI have read every post and comment... But truth be told I concentrated on my final paper and tried to block every little thing that could make me think more about myself. I get like this when I am determined to achieve something. By now I have finished my paper and have to defend it in a public lecture. I can truly say that this work that I did made me feel for the first time in my life that I have created something new, suggested new ideas to my line of work. I felt important and loved every second of it.
ReplyDeleteI liked your post about your father. Never had my biological father near me, it feels like I was the greatest mistake in his life and I have learned to accept that. I have my step dad filling his place. He is wonderful to my mother and it is a treat to see him loving his daughters. I try to be a person who never thinks anything bad about another human. Because I do not know what another person had to deal with in one's life, what are one's inner fears... But there are times when I brake my rule. When it comes to parenting... every parent is a child in the beginning, doing everything in a way that seems to be right (or most probably acting like his/her parents did). I remember a time when my mother tried to toughen my up: she made my do sports like a man should, etc. But I can remember that at one point she stopped doing that. I figure it was because she became smarter. What I am trying to say is that parents do things out of love and sometimes they become too determined to make their child a perfect sculpture not even acknowledging that what they do can be bad for their child. Accepting mistake of parents is sometimes hard. My father has shown me that there could be a chance for us to be something if I would show my interest. If i would make the first step. I am stubborn, hate to say it, as stubborn as he is in many ways. I know he hates gays and for some reason... I do not want a human in my life who would automatically hate and endanger me.
About your post "Tomorrow" it is heart warming to read how a person can witness a perfect moment in life. These are the little things that life gives us and it takes a wise person to differentiate these moments from everything else that is happening. By sharing your feelings, you made another person worm, not so lonely and stronger. For that, I thank you!
@Doug: I could not have been more in the moment of what was happening that led to the writing of this post. My mind was on the pure contentment with everything that is my life, and I was so filled with gratitude. It's absolutely the small moments that make life worth living, and our lives consist of small moments, one after the other. The challenge is to recognize each of them for what they are and to honor them with our full presence.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Doug, for your comment.
@elevencats: So great to hear from you again, especially since I know how focused you are on your school work. And I'm so glad you feel good about what you're accomplishing. I have no doubt you should be very proud of yourself.
The subject matter for the post titled "Healed" was in my heart and soul for some time, but I worried about revealing even more of myself than I already have. That said, I see you related to my words at a certain level, and there's always the chance talking or writing about the most personal aspects of our lives will help someone deal with the same type of thing in his own life.
But, then, of course, the point of this post is to show the opportunity we usually have to right childhood wrongs through our adult relationships with significant others. Nothing is an accident. Ultimately, we end up with the people who will do us the most good, which I see now only because I have the perspective of nineteen years with my partner, Chris.
You know, I've tried hard over the past year and a half to rekindle a relationship with my father, but I don't see it going anywhere. It's not to say we shouldn't try, but, at some point, you have to assess if your efforts are really worth it, and what you have to gain by continually beating a dead horse (so to speak).
Only you can decide if putting your stubbornness aside will have any benefit. I don't know you and your father, but he might surprise you with a more accepting reaction toward his son being gay than you imagine. People change, they really do, especially when faced with the possibility of losing someone they love.
Thank you so much for your kind words about the post titled "Tomorrow." I love to hear I've made someone feel better about himself or his life because of what I've shared from my own life.
Thanks again, for taking the time out of your busy life to read what I write and to leave a wonderful comment. I really appreciate it.