Thursday, July 14, 2011

Sex and Validation

Part of "elevating the experience of being gay" is understanding ourselves better.  When we understand ourselves better--truly see, as if for the first time, what we do and why we do it--we have the opportunity to change and to improve our lives.  To this end, I want to clarify something I've written about repeatedly, something frequent readers will know is a big issue for me in the gay community.  

I'm hard on gay men, and I know it.  That's because I want better for them, even though they may not want better for themselves, or they may not realize better exists, and they deserve to have it.  I'm hard on gay men in general because I deplore their promiscuity, the emphasis they place on sex at the detriment of other things in their lives.  I have new insight on gay men and promiscuity, and I want to share that with you.

My eyes were opened when I recently read The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World, by Alan Downs, Ph.D., an American clinical psychologist for over fifteen years, who works with many single gay men and gay couples.  If, as a gay man, you want to understand yourself better, I highly recommend this book.  I have no doubt you'll see yourself in its pages.      

Where promiscuity is concerned, as it relates to gay men, I confess I had only half the story. Yes, in general, many gay men indulge in sex, a lot more than their straight counterparts do. Yes, many gay men indulge in sex because they're filled with self-loathing, thinking so little of themselves they readily give their bodies away, as though they have no respect for who they are.

But the piece I wasn't aware of, until I read Downs's book, is many gay men use sex for validation.  At the risk of over-simplifying, when they're children, gay men typically don't obtain validation in the usual way non-gay children do.  For a variety of reasons, our fathers, the first men we love, were unable or failed to provide validation, usually leading to our mothers over-validating us for the wrong reasons.

In school, Downs writes, "children, probably more than any other people, are keenly aware of differences in one another, and often torment other children they perceive as different [p. 11]." He continues, "Maybe you remember just how cruel children can be?  Most gay men have early memories of this kind of rejection at the hands of their playmates [p. 11]."

It's no surprise, then, that as we enter adulthood, we have little or no sense of our self-worth, because we were not validated.  Or we may have been validated, but for the wrong reasons, which has the same detrimental effect.  Filled with shame throughout childhood, we pretended to be something we weren't (i.e.: straight), only to realize the validation we received was for being fake.  Downs calls this inauthentic validation.

On the subject of sex and validation, Downs has the following to say:

"The validation we achieve through sexual encounters is immediate and stimulating, even if it is essentially inauthentic.  We play a role, one that we have mastered over the years of being on stage, that seduces our beautiful conquest-to-be.  When he gives up his resistance and succumbs to our siren call, we feel the rush of immediate validation.  If no one else, at least this one man sees something of value in us.  This blissful moment rarely lingers, but in that moment it satisfies.

"Hidden in our search for validation is both a truth and a lie.  The truth is that validation is good and necessary for our psychological well-being.  The lie is that we have not yet discovered or accepted ourselves, hence, the validation is of something less than authentic.  It is the validation of a facade we masterfully erect [p. 77]."


"Some gay men who have a particularly difficult time with self-validation rely on sex to feel good about themselves.  This kind of gay man needs to see others excited by his presence and adoring his body in order to feel worthwhile and acceptable.  If other gay men fail to notice him or be attracted to him, he begins to question his own value.  On the surface, this may sound a bit juvenile, but in reality it is something that many, if not most, gay men struggle with to some degree.  We rely heavily upon the adoring reactions of others to our presence for our own self-esteem [p. 98]."

And, finally:

"Virtually all of gay culture is defined by sex and the pursuit of desire and beauty.  Whether it's a gay bar or a gay news magazine, the hard driving, heart-pounding message of sex is omnipresent.  And it's not just sex--it's toe curling, mind blowing, hard body, all-night-long sex.

"Is this enough?  I am a man.  I need to be loved.  I need to love myself.  I need to feel strong and to cry.  I need to feel alive and to grieve my losses.  I need to know that there is someone in this world who truly loves me.  I need to love someone.  I need a safe, stable and committed home.  Truth is, I need all these things much more than I need great sex [p.p. 22-23]."  

(The Velvet Rage is published by Da Capo Press, A Member of the Perseus Books Group, ISBN: 978-0-7382-1061-2)      


  1. Loved the article your wrote.
    "Is this enough? I am a man. I need to be loved. I need to love myself. I need to feel strong and to cry. I need to feel alive and to grieve my losses. I need to know that there is someone in this world who truly loves me. I need to love someone. I need a safe, stable and committed home. Truth is, I need all these things much more than I need great sex [p.p. 22-23].
    That part to me was so amazing. Its exaclty what I am trying to do. What is a major cause of my depression and promiscuity (which also involves then drinking)
    I have read "The velvet Rage" and loved every bit of it. The problem is, where is the advise, how do you turn that into something good. How do you love yourself ect ect ect.
    Al the way from Cape Town South Africa

  2. Thank you, Anonymous, for taking the time to read this post and for your kind words.

    In terms of where is the advice that may help you get what you most want (love and a committed relationship), if I may be so bold, many of the posts I've written right here (particularly since January 2011) will help you do just that.

    But you must remember one thing: you cannot make a relationship come to you. In the end, you have no control over anything or anyone else. All you have control over is yourself, but that's all you need. It's from there that all of us obtain what we most want–if we are strong and patient and self-aware.

    You are already ahead of many gay men, who haven't seen the connection between homosexuality, self-loathing, promiscuity, substance abuse, and what you most want. They are all related to and affect each other.

    Work on yourself. Understand, accept, and like yourself as a gay man. Be your own best boyfriend. Don't wait for someone else to fulfill your life, to bring you everything you think you'll gain by being in love and in a relationship.

    Love yourself. Go about your life being the best you you can be. If you don't like who you are, appreciate being with yourself, enjoy your own company, why should anyone else?

    Keep your eyes and ears open. Be ready to take advantage of an opportunity that comes your way. Don't be timid; don't hold back. But don't live for it, either. Live for being all you were meant to be.

    There are no guarantees. You may never have the love you want from another man. On the other hand, you may. But there's no reason why you can't be the love of your own life, why the relationship you have with yourself can't be enough.

    When you get to this place, other men will see it in you. They'll see the confident, peaceful way you pass through the world. And rather than be needy and attract people to you who you don't want in your life and who you'd never have a successful relationship with anyway, you'll attract the kind you want, those who will be the best for you.

    You will need to take a leap of faith here and believe what I say. It wasn't until I started down the path of liking, even loving, myself, for exactly who I am, that I was blessed to meet Chris, who I've now been with for over twenty years.

    You can do this too. Just don't go looking for it. It will come when you're ready. Make yourself ready. The work you do on yourself will be the best time and effort you've ever spent. Trust me. I know what I'm talking about.

    All the very best, and I pray you come to realize just how special and important you truly are.

  3. This is so true, i dont think th3ir is a such thing as gay, (for me anyway) its just a lost zone we fit in bcuz we dont feel we can get a girlfriend!! Im 46 years old and have just come into my manhood & now i want a wife and kids bcuz im so burnt on the lifestyle!! After you have all that sex you end uo with the same emotiness after its over!! I was a pretty boy when i was in school plus predators can recognize when you have a low self esteem and they exploit that!! See when you hear the cruel things other children say when your young you start tobbelieve thats true!!! I say dig deep abd find our who you really are, dont let the bullies at school dictate who and what you are , ive wasted all 22 years with low self esteem that i took from being teased at school, & things my mom said believing thats whom i was and thats what i deserved!! To better show you what i mean NO ONE BELIEVES IM 46, NOT BCUZ OF MY BEHAVIOR BUT BECAUSE I LOOK SO YOUNG, I THINK ITS BECAUSE I was STILL STUCK AT MY HIGH SCHOOL AGE , & jus realized im not what they said i was & its like being born again, kinna like ive been in a coma for 22 years!! Jus like a drug addict, if an addict goes to jail & they werent seeking help or recovery, upon release they start right where they left off upon arrest with the drug addiction!!! I hopev a young gay person reads this and it will help them to NOT waste all the time i did on the gay lifestyle, or if tbey so choose gay life at least they can do it with a high self esteem!! Ive hurt for years but now i stand strong, i know i am a man

    1. Wow! This is great, and very powerful. Thank you so much for sharing. I have no doubt your words will help someone else.

      I know you're 46 now and feel you've wasted too much time coming into your own as a man. But each of us is on his own journey, and we all take the time we need to arrive where you are. Unfortunately, I suspect some gay men never get there. At least you did. I hear in your words how grateful you are for that.

      Thank you for your interest in my blog and for your comment. All the very best to you.