Sharing with Elevencats, Part Two

This is continued from Part One in the series.  To view that, please click here.

Note:  The final section in this part is sexually explicit and may make some readers uncomfortable.  Another warning appears just prior to that section.  Please use your discretion accordingly.

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Elevencats:  Truth is that I’m bad at making the first move.  I’m bad at talking to a stranger, or any human being for that matter.  Sometimes I walk on the street and just can’t stop looking...at guys.  I’m still gay.  That hasn’t changed.  And when I sometimes see the one who I’d like to spend the rest of my life with, who I fantasize about...I just can’t stop dreaming that he’d kiss me and make love to me.  He’s so smart (I have a thing for smart men) and good looking and funny and friendly and talkative.  But I’d never make a move on him.

Rick:  Making the first move, as you put it, is about being confident in how you feel about yourself, and about believing the person you’re interested in may just be as interested in you. Consider the possibility.  

Listen, when I was your age, I didn’t have confidence either.  I felt like a slug; I felt lower than dirt.  I was certain no one had the least interest in me.  If it wasn’t for other guys approaching me, I’d have never met anyone.  At least I had the common sense to put myself in the right places so I'd be noticed (i.e.: at the gay clubs).  As far as getting together with anyone, I left that entirely up to the other fellows.  (Curiously, though, while we feel badly about ourselves and couldn’t imagine anyone being interested in us, the ones we’re interested in probably don’t see us that way at all.  In fact, they probably think no one could possibly be interested in them, either.)   

I’m not going to sit here and write that you need to grow a pair, get your ass out there, and start meeting people, because its nearly impossible to muster the courage to approach people if you’re not used to doing it.  But I am going to say that you have a choice--either you sit on the sidelines and wait for life to happen to you, or you take control and make it happen yourself.  The choice is yours.  Just remember, the longer you wait, the more time you waste.     

The truth is, a lack of confidence in talking to strangers, as you put it, is a sign of low self-esteem.  For me, it was thinking the person I was interested in meeting was so much better than me.  Perhaps he wore nicer clothes, or he was more handsome, or he had a better body--whatever the case was.  But here’s a little secret: virtually everyone has low self-esteem.  Virtually everyone thinks other people are better in some way than they are.  So, in that respect, we’re all insecure, which, as I see it, makes the playing field even for all of us.        

In your case, an inability to introduce yourself to a young man you’re attracted to has, I think, more to do with living your life on the edge of being gay than jumping right in and going for it.  Perhaps you hold yourself back because you don’t know where it could possibly go.  You’re not out, your family and friends don’t know you’re gay, and the last thing you want is to start something that leads you to where you’re not prepared to go, or where you think you can’t go.  I know the feeling, but, sometimes, putting yourself in that situation is the best way to break the impasse.  Jump in with both feet--keeping your wits about you, of course--and see where it takes you.       

Many young gay men just like you keep their sexual orientation a secret to family, friends, and coworkers, yet still manage to live full lives as gay men.  What if, at the campus where you go to school, you saw a young man you’re attracted to?  And what if you didn’t have the confidence to approach him, but he had the confidence to approach you?  So you stumble and stammer and have an awful time talking to him, but he’s cute, and interested in you, and makes you feel at ease in his company, so you can actually put a few words together without feeling embarrassed.

The next thing you know, you go out for coffee, study together, and enjoy being around each other.  One thing leads to another, and you become a little sexual--nothing you can’t handle.  So what?  Your family doesn’t need to know, his family doesn’t need to know, you both have as much to lose if anyone finds out (so no one will), and you go for it.  You even feel good about doing it and wonder what took you so long.       

Just because you’re not fully out and living loud and proud in your community doesn’t mean nothing can’t go on between you and another young man.  Many men begin living their lives as fully realized gay human beings one small, comfortable step at a time, taking on only as much as they can handle one step after another.  That’s how I did it.  The options for becoming a fully-realized gay man are endless--from dipping your toe in the water and staying there indefinitely, to plunging right in without reservation.  You decide what’s right for you.  Just keep yourself open to the possibilities.  Never shut yourself off.  Who knows what might happen?  

E.:  I’m an old-fashioned guy.  I would only be with a guy who truly loves me and then we can make love.  I wouldn’t use a guy like this.  Not even in my dreams.  He wouldn’t love me even if we would be the last two people on this earth.  

R.:  You have the right idea, Elevencats.  You are an honorable young man, and I respect that about you.  You want to do the right thing for you and whoever you’re with.  Nothing wrong with that.  Hold on to your values and to what feels right.        

To return to my scenario above, let’s say the young student you’re interested in comes on to you physically, but you’re not comfortable because you’re not sure you love each other.  I’m familiar with this situation.  Here’s what I did.  

Nothing.  That’s right, nothing.  Yes, we got naked.  Yes, we kissed and touched each other.  Yes, we made ourselves feel good.  But when the men I was with wanted to engage in oral or anal sex, I refused.  Simple as that.  I was intent on reserving those experiences for the man I loved.  Were some of the fellows disappointed, even upset?  You bet they were.  Some were pissed off.  After he'd had plenty to drink, one even threatened to rape me (although I don't know how serious he was.)  So what?  It’s my body.  I’ll do as I damn well please with it.

So you don’t have to go all the way with anyone you don’t want to.  But that doesn’t mean you can’t do other things that feel good, and, perhaps most of all, help you feel better about yourself and give you more confidence.  Use your imagination.  Sex isn’t just about oral and anal.  There’s everything else, too, so many wonderful, and loving, and considerate things two people can do with and to each other when they’re naked, yet take little or no risk at all.    

The bottom line is, when it comes to sex with someone else, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.  Remember that for future reference.  You can, and should, put the brakes on anything you’re not ready for.  When you love and respect yourself, you love and respect your body, and you don’t allow anyone to abuse it.       

(WARNING:  This section is sexually explicit.  As this is the final piece of Part Two, if frank discussion about gay sex makes you uncomfortable, skip the remainder of this post and proceed to Part Three.)

E.:  And thinking about the process of sex...I can put my...here and there, and he can put his...here and there....  It’s disgusting.  It isn’t normal.  It isn’t right.  It hurts.  It will cause me to die of cancer.  OK, I will never have sex.  But isn’t masturbation a sexual activity....  Oh, I will never have sex with another man.  

R.:  Okay, take a deep breath.  And relax.  Now let’s have a closer look at your fear and disgust of gay sex, one step at a time.  

From what you write, I assume you’re talking about oral and anal sex.  I want you to know your feelings are perfectly normal.  In fact, I suspect many young gay people think about the mechanics of gay sex--or sex, period--the same way and are turned off.  I felt exactly like that, so much so that, at one time, I thought if this is what being gay is--performing physical acts that repulse me--then I want no part of it.  The question is, how do you overcome that apprehension so you can join the rest of the human race and enjoy comfortable and rewarding sexual activity?

First, oral and anal sex aren’t the exclusive domain of gay men.  Many straight couples engage in oral sex, and some even in anal sex.  So, in terms of those particular sexual activities being disgusting, because they’re associated with being gay, that’s not the case at all.  Whether you’re gay or straight, sex is about what you’re into, what gives you and your partner pleasure. Virtually anything goes, depending on the willingness of the two people involved.

Another thing you should do is become more comfortable with your body.  You’ve mentioned that you masturbate, so you’re already familiar with your penis, and how good it feels to touch it.  I read somewhere that it helps those people ill at ease with the idea of oral sex to think of the penis as a miniature version of the entire person it’s attached to.  Thus, if you love the whole person, chances are you’ll love the smaller version.  After all, his penis is as much a part of him as your penis is a part of you.  When you love someone enough, you’d be surprised what you become more at ease with.  And, when you think about it, it's just a penis.  

So it is with the anus.  That part of your body is like any other part.  It has its own specific function, which many find filthy and disgusting, but it’s still a part of you.  Just like your eyes, your chest, and your toes, for example.  Don’t avoid it.  Instead, learn about it.  It might help when you’re in the shower to use a soapy finger to touch it (if you haven't tried that already). And I don't mean just to clean it.  As you touch in and around that area, be conscious of the sensations you feel.  If you’re so inclined, graduate to the next level by using your soapy finger to probe it a little.  Relax.  Go ahead.  It’s just another opening in your body.  And, if you feel comfortable doing that, then see how far you can go.  Again, be aware of the sensations, what feels good and what doesn’t.  There.  Was that so bad?    

The whole thing about sex is, you need to be comfortable with your own body to be comfortable with someone else’s.  And I believe you should look at it as an extension of the strong emotions you feel toward another person.  I believe sex should always be seen and done in that context (which is why I deplore promiscuity), but many would disagree with me.  I think most gay men are all about the physical pleasure and getting off.  That’s too bad.  I feel sorry for them.  If that’s the only way you look at sex, then you're missing out on a lot.  On the other hand, if you look at it as a deeply personal experience to share with someone you love, then it will be so much more, regardless of how great, or not, the physical aspects are.  

I’m not aware of anyone getting cancer from engaging in gay sex.  Are there sexually transmitted diseases you should be cautious of, including HIV and AIDS?  You bet.  While it’s important to be considerate of the other person during the act of sex, you must always put yourself first.  If you’re not comfortable doing something, then you must speak up and not think you have to go along just because the other person wants it.  And when you object, if the other person cares about you and your feelings, he will listen and respect your wishes.  If he doesn’t, he’s a jerk, and you need to get dressed and leave immediately.  

By now, you should know the precautions to take to avoid contracting a sexually transmitted disease.  Because we’re talking about your body, your health, and your life, you must take responsibility not just for yourself but also for your partner, to ensure both of you are adequately protected.  While some will say you can’t pick up HIV or AIDS through oral sex, I would not be willing to take that risk unless you really know the person you’re with.  If you’re one hundred percent sure he’s not infected (I don’t know how you can be), then use your discretion.  Same with anal sex.  But here’s a suggestion.  Even if you and your partner have been tested for the HIV virus, you’ve been together for a long time, and you’re not having sex with other people, I would still recommend using a condom during anal sex, out of respect for each other.  

And, finally, yes, when the time is right--which only you can determine--you will have sex with another man.  You shouldn't hold yourself back from having sex, within the context I discussed earlier, because you’re as entitled as the next guy to sexual pleasure.  But here’s a little secret from me to you.  Based on the emphasis sex receives in the media, particularly in the West, it’s overrated.  Sex plays an important part in any relationship, including Chris’s and mine, but, if I had to choose between sex and love, I’d choose love without question.  All I’m saying is, keep sex in perspective.  It’s great, but it isn’t everything, as you may have gotten the impression it is from the gay media.  


For the third and final part, please click here.